Sunday, December 27, 2009

Once upon a time...there was silence

Do you know what it's like to feel trapped? That no matter where you turn there is no way out. The light is gradually sucked out of your life. You live in darkness. At first you are afraid of the dark and the agony, but after a while you get used to it. No matter where you turned, you find only pain and abandonment. And at first you find this unsettling you’re human and you crave love and connection. But as time passes you begin to realize that you are undeserving of this bond, and you become a shell with no soul. You no longer exist; you simply drift from moment to moment trying to keep some semblance of sanity. Certain people take notice, but fear overwhelms you and you remain silent. They cannot be trusted. No one can be trusted.

You were little, though in reality you were never allowed to be so, and you realized that is just isn't worth it. It is not worth the pain and heartache - and so you silence. You do what is expected of you and expect nothing of anyone else. It hurts more than anyone will ever know.

You put up a front for show. You try to shield others from this darkness You were always a pawn in a sick and twisted game; you still are. Your pain does not matter, you do not matter. You become what he wants you to be. And nothing else. You give in to his commands. Partially out of fear but also because you no longer care, and it’s all you’ve ever known. You realized early on that your life is meaningless. You are an object, void of emotion or need. Evil things are said and done, and this is their warped vision of fun. You must deserve this. You must be inherently evil because a kind and gracious God would not allow this to happen. Time are in need of guidance but too afraid to ask.

The nightmares from the past still linger, bleeding into your life now. Still, you wait, in silence. Still, you live in fear. There is too much confusion and chaos in your head. You want to scream, but you cry instead.

It is the same now as it was then - crying - alone, lying bleeding on the cold floor. Praying for it all to end. Praying for it to be over. Praying to a God who never heard you then, the God who does not hear you now.


  1. I have read your last few blogs..gone away and made a cup of coffee and returned and re read and wondered if anything I can say would help or would it make things worse.
    But here goes..
    Life's shit. For some like yourself it's even shittier.
    But you can lie down and give up or you can put up the good fight. Is it easy? Hell no. And I hear you screaming at me "Im fighting, I'm fighting"..
    Your purpose in life may be nothing more than to write these words for they are powerful.
    Yes, powerful and confronting and somewhere someone else is reading them and gaining strength through your pain. For only one who has experienced what you have, can genuinely say I understand.
    Come back tomorrow and tomorow and tomorrow and continue to write if not for you for someone else...and maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way your demons will be expelled.
    I'm putting my money on you.

  2. ((((Grace)))))

    Still here, still reading. Been lost for words lately, but I am here lurking in your corner, keeping my fingers crossed that you'll come out of this darkness.
    I agree with heatherbelle. Keep writing.

    sending buckets of hugs and much love your way.

  3. Powerful post Grace, I agree with what heatherbelle has written...I have walked the journey and understand what your feeling, sharing and experiencing...pain is painful and no matter how you feel right now it will get better. The days of 24/7 torment will slowly change. You are a survivor, you made it through, your here today to bare witness to your past...don't give up, don't shut, keeping pushing through and you will find a beauty within you, that you never knew existed. Sending your comfort....

  4. I too agree with what the others have written Grace. I hope that these comments help you get through this - and I do wish you a very Happy New Year.

  5. Grace - you are not undeserving. You exist, you have a soul. You are no longer a pawn in someone else's game. Your pain matters. Your life is not meaningless. You don't deserve this.

    I am not contradicting everything you have said because I want to minimize your feelings, or because I want to invalidate you. I truly believe what I have written, and I truly believe that you don't. Because of the horribly sucky shit that happened to you, you now believe that you are an unworthy unlovable shell of a person. And that must be so so hard, I know it is because I feel that way myself a lot of the time.

    I just want to say that I don't believe those things about you and I hope that one day you won't believe them either.

  6. Heatherbelle, Whoa - you can hear my screams where you are? I hope you're not my "neighbor". I hope you're right...that there is 'beauty in the pain'...that somewhere, as scewed up as I feel, someone is reading and saying, "Gawd, I'm glad I'm not as messed up as her..." :-) or, on "good" days...they hold onto the part of them that knows there are moments of peace, however brief they may be....

    Hey Zan,
    I need to *stop by* your place...I haven't caught up since your sister's visit. I hope your'e doing well.... G

    Exhale, I know you have. I admire your courage and your words...I hold onto them much like the therapist's. So many people CAN'T be my I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day....that's really all any of us can do, isn't it?...take care ~ G.

    Elise, thank you...I hope that the new year brings peace to you as well...

    Harriet, Thank you for not believing the 'bad' and for seeing the 'good'...I know you can resonate with these feelings...and it sux that we can be programmed to believe them...takes a lot of unprogramming and rebooting and rewiring to change them. I hope to live to see the "new and improved" version of Grace....