I think that the therapist and I have come to a mutual understanding of sorts...for now. I will agree to not take an abundant supply of benzos or slit my wrists in an effort to avoid the inner pain and turmoil ~ and she will agree to not wear the Marsha Suit in my presense and be supportive.
And I can tell her when I feel dizzy and nauseous instead of just leaving my body and flying off into the corner, when I can't continue talking about something. And I find that voicing some random useless trivia facts work just as well as doing math problems in my head to ground me when I feel like I'm going to 'go away' ~ and maybe someday, the fact I shared yesterday with the therapist (in the middle of a conversation - no less) that the average woman owns 18 pair of shoes, but wears only 3-4 ~ will come in handy for her some day during an awkward moment of silence when you feel like you have to say something but you don't know what to say.
Dear Grace, I noticed that at the end of the session, you were looking sad and I hope that my attempts to follow your lead in session today re: Friday nights was not too much. I know that you had asked me not to talk about Friday nights and I was sensitive to this. I also suspect that there is still a lot to these nights that remain to be sorted out. I will continue to honor your pace and needs as you move through this terribly difficult process. And, let me remind you that I seek to understand the whys, what’s, how’s of Friday nights so that I can help you find some type of peace in these nights. There is NO ROOM for judgment in this process of understanding and healing. K? Got it? :0) I think that what was spoken about today re: Friday took a lot of strength from you and you did it in a fully aware and present state of mind. This is courageous and progress. When you get dizzy, then we work to get you back in your body and in the present. Today you only had a brief moment. Despite the inner critic in you, you get to take the pace you need. Let us both honor this fully. ~ The Therapist
Dear Therapist, Yes, there is still a lot to be sorted out and my mind feels very jumbled and messy today. I ain't going to say that it's easy and I appreicate you not making me feel freakishly crazy during session yesterday. I still feel dizzy and nauseous today, tearful and afraid, because I cannot seem to turn off my brain, or quiet the crying and screaming. But I hope that I will be okay some day. I still need the rock, DT. I thought I didn't, but I do. Did you know that the average woman spends $17,000.00 on make-up during her life-time?
~ Grace
That was a really nice email she sent. Wow, it was really nice. I'm sorry about your brain, I know how that feels. I sing the ABC song to stay grounded, maybe I'll try math facts when I get bored with it.
ReplyDeleteIs that true about the make-up? I would hate to add up my make-up purchases.
I know, huh? That's why I think I'm in a better place right now...it only took a flippin' year and like 3 grand to get back to a place where parts of me feel like they can trust her some (again!!!!) ~ hopefully it will pay off in the long run. Ah - the ole' abc song...when I leave her office in the 'bad place' and don't have to rush back to work, I'll sit in the parking lot and make up words for each letter in the chiropractors name that shares office space in the same building "H" is for "honesty"...etc...
ReplyDeleteI heard about the make-up thing on the 7:10am morning trivia question they have on the radio station :-) ~ that's where I heard about the shoes too...I learn a piece of worthless trivia every morning at 7:10am.