Thursday, December 10, 2009

Those within me continue with their fort building and snowball fights, leaving me in a paradoxical Winter Wonderland

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~ George Bernard Shaw

The therapist cannot 'hear' what I do not tell her...
and I do not tell her because I am afraid of what she might 'hear'

Those within me continue with their fort building and snowball fights, leaving me in a paradoxical Winter Wonderland ~ where the snow falls faster than I can shovel it...alone. 

Trust and communication (or the lack thereof~on my part) recently in the *TR* has been poking at my brain, begging me to take them out, along with their cohort: safety...and study and examine them with the energy of a 3 year old child who thirsts to learn more about herself and the world she lives in.   I am trying to come up with a plan that will work for me on how I can communicate effectively with the therapist...I know there is a trust issue based on my perception of the 'changes' implemented...but I also think when things get too scary or too deep, from an emotional standpoint, I pull away.  She has suggested ways that she believes may be a place to start but the masked one will not allow for that.  This has to be a plan that all the parts of Grace will agree too.

So I have my thinking cap on today (it's red with a cute little white ball on the top~ oh, that's Santa's hat, not mine)...I have to find something that will work because I cannot continue to sit that close to the therapist week after week, screaming for help from the inside, yet masking as perfection on the outside.  I need to figure out a way to allow some parts of Grace to communicate with the therapist while at the same time not piss off other parts who stand guard at the moat with the cease and desist order, or scare the one who fears dependence and care...A couple of years ago when I was experiencing this type of internal conflict I told the therapist about it and she said this:  

It is the job of the central part of you (which is your "will"), to sit down with your "parts" mentally and begin to direct a "conference" where you will promise to listen to each one and find out what what their needs, goals, fears, conflicts are with each other, etc. Imagine you have a business conference with a bunch of feuding, needy, poorly communicating coworkers or subordinates and in order to create some productive results, mutual understanding, cooperation, etc. - you have to get them to take turns so you can listen and understand, help them work together for a common purpose, address each ones concerns, weaknesses, etc. How would you start the process if you were doing this at work? Only, remember that there "parts" may function more childlike, then adultlike depending on the "part". Bare in mind too, that there are some functional, adult, responsible "parts" of you that may need to be brought to the "conference" to assist you in this process.... I am writing this to you because I seriously want you to begin to conceptualize yourself in this manner with the core "part" of you "your will and take charge part" existing in a way that will begin to orchestrate the meeting of needs, etc. of each vocal part of you.

Pretty good suggestion, eh?  The problem seems to come in when the directions no not make sense and there are extra parts, and too many parts, and one of them says something that is not in the *script* I have laid out in my brain....and then I'm either afraid to call the help desk, or it's after hours....

THAT's what I have to sift through, sort into piles, and organize if any of this is going to work.  Sounds simple enough ~ NOT!


  1. Wow, I hear you. I only have one part and I can't communicate with my therapist. I can't even imagine how multiple parts would begin to do it.

    And if you call the help desk you might get someone in India.

  2. Grace I found working with the collage's in therapy really is a big one

  3. Harriet ~ LOL - although I think I'd rather speak to someone in India than to someone who only speaks DBT!

    Exhale ~ Three years ago I would have rolled my eyes if someone mentioned art therapy - now I really do ind it helpful...