Thursday, December 17, 2009

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot...

I slept about 10 minutes last night...plagued off an on by dreams and body 'issues'...I wasn't sleepy when I finally decided to lie down in bed and that's always a bad sign for me. I usually wait until I can barely stumble up the stairs before I go to bed. But that wasn't happening last night. I had already taken the nightly allotment of meds and they were not slowing down either my body or my brain.  I won't pretend to understand why the exact same drug cocktail can work one night but not another, I'll just hope that tonight will be a night they will work.

Too much on my mind to rest. My eyes are hurting today and even though my body is tired and my eyes want to close, I am not sleepy. This week there has been a small deviation in my schedule which has seemingly thrown a part of me off track. I'm not sure why. But I do know that I am not allowed the ability to multi-task today which is not working out well as I have a 60 page report to review for a meeting on Friday which I now have to take page by page and try to focus. And what would typically take me a couple of hours is going to take me all day today, throwing the rest of my work behind. But I realize this lack of concentration and focus is temporary, so that in itself is not the cause of my current distress. And I am trying to find a way to soothe and alleviate the pain inside of me today and the little girl that wants to sit, wrapped tightly in her blue blanket, and rock herself is going to have to give me another option because I have to work so that isn't possible right now.

And now that I have spoken aloud, in my own voice, some of my friday night fright festivities (both then and now), to the therapist, the restlessness~ and both the physical and mental reminders of the past are bubbling up and spilling over ~  creating an internal environment that is even more unsettling, which leaves me on a tightrope trying to keep the delicate balance necessary to ensure no one falls to their death. Inside there is screaming and crying...and it is loud and piercing...and I have not yet found a way to quiet them.

Despite the screaming and crying, and inability to soothe those inside of me, I am not regretful of the disclosures I made to the therapist yesterday. Painful...embarrassing...full of shame...hell yes ~ necessary and something I needed and wanted to say? I think so. Agreement from everyone inside my brain? Still working on that. But I seem to have developed a stronger sense of control over the defiant one for now. I have to take advantage of this time because I fear she will take back charge in my moments of weakness ~ like today. Because one slip on even the smallest sliver of ice...and I'm in the 'bad' place.

A friend of mine said to me on Monday, "Grace, you just don't seem like yourself today." And I replied back to her, "P, my friend, I don't even know who my "self" is..." And I really don't." But I hope that someday I will....

I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of this week. I will ~ I'm just not sure how.


  1. I think you are incredibly brave for disclosing the stuff you did to your t yesterday. I'm glad you don't regret it, but I know it's hard to live with. I'm dreading going back to my t next week after my big disclosure Tuesday. I waited until the last minute to tell him, then ran out the door. So now I have to wait a week to hear his verdict.

  2. Ah...thanks, I don't feel so brave but Dang! I have to start making some freakin' progress because I have felt stuck in this "can't trust anyone" stage for so my old college friends used to say when we would play euchre "come big or stay home"! I know that feeling of saying something and then running...not wanting to face it so hard!!!!
    I'm lucky in that my T emails me 3x a week (the source of contension of PAG not trusting her since it used to be every day) - anyway, because of that, I don't have to wait a week...I don't think I have patience....that's for sure ~ Gracie