Monday, December 14, 2009

I am lost

I am lost. Unable to find my way. Pieces of me are crumbling, falling to the ground.
I am scrambling to grab them all before they smash on the ground - but I'm not that fast. Pieces of me, lost, broken on the ground, unable to be recovered, never to be seen again. I need a way to solve this but there is no way. There is no way out and I am afraid…and so tired. Tonight I am unable to stop the madness…I cannot get them off of me, out of me. I can feel them with every inch of my body. Everything they did ~ everything they touched.  I want these feelings to end. I need them out of me. But I think about the days afterward, when I feel so weak and pathetic and like such a failure. But then again, how is that different than right now? I want to be invisible. I want to hide away forever. I have no body. This is not mine. But I feel it. I am trying to ignore it, telling myself to stop being crazy, but I cannot stop my body from remembering. I want to be invisible. Maybe if everyone saw what I was, what I let them do to me they could see how revolting I really am. I am so good at hiding it now but it is a mask, a fa├žade. He told me I was a little whore. And if I was a whore at 5, what does that make me now? There is no word for me, are there? It wasn’t just him…so many others, so many other things…I am an accomplice to all that is evil. I want it to stop but it doesn’t comply. I need my head to stop thinking and my skin to stop crawling, and my stomach to stop churning, and I need my body to stop feeling things that are not happening now.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful collage so full of sorrow...no child is a whore Grace, that's what they want us to believe, sending you warm thoughts...

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  2. Thank you, Exhale, for the thoughts and also the "directions"....
    ~ Grace

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