Monday, December 28, 2009

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

I am way sick tonight. I spent over an hour in the bathtub just watching the steam rise from my knees. I am dizzy and shaky and my heart is beating out of my chest. I’m sure the therapist would tell me it is an anxiety reaction to session today, but that’s really not very helpful to know when I feel like I can’t breathe. I picked up the phone to call her ten times tonight but the one who can do this all by herself will not allow it. I took xanax that PDOC gave me…and I’m sitting here holding another desperate to take it too, but trying to talk myself out of it. If the ativan script allows 1mg Q6 and the xanax reads Q4, by my logic, I can take them every 2 hours, alternately. I’m not a doctor so I could certainly misread a script, or two, but I’m guessing that is going to be the only way to get through tonight…and I’m not 100% sure that will work.

I would love to give a therapy update as I’m sure it would probably be helpful to spew the words out of me out into cyberspace  but I cannot right now. And talking about it sucks (as patient as the therapist is…talking about it sucks!) I feel worse now than I did before I went! It was like all of these horrible experiences running me over again and again, and the therapist says, “It’s just words, Grace. Just words. No one here can hurt you.” Yeah, only after I leave, dear therapist…only tonight, when it isn’t safe, here, in *this* environment.

I am not good right now. Let me speak from my nebulous crazybrain and just say I feel really fucked up and unsafe. I just need to know what’s happening inside my trauma head and body right now?!?  The snapshots and physical jolting needs to stop right now.  Please, I am begging you! Tell me what is happening and how to make it stop. Fuck patience. I need to know now! I need help now.  I am in serious physical and emotional pain and I don't understand it and I can't stop it.

And why the hell isn’t the xanax working!!!! I am desperate for relief right this fucking minute!


  1. I don't know, I think words can hurt. It's hard to share pain. I hope the xanax helped.

  2. Tis the season...
    Thx - the xanax doesn't seem to work as well as the ativan for me. Of course I took both and was still up all night...sometimes I think my "crazybrain" is immune to all anxiety medications...perhaps an elephant sized tranquilizer gun would work...

  3. I feel for you in every way. *hug*
    Sometimes I wished the trained professionals.... would understand that just because you validate a bad ballistic, you'd not tell me to numb myself to the fire. That through saying distractions I'll get long lasting relief. I need to understand what the hell caught my arm ablaze and where the heck the fuel is igniting. Not coop with it. Telling me to "coop" or have "cooping skills" for the inferno is like saying that it's hopeless and learn to take it, cause you can't remedy or solve it. I'm on fire, it hurts like hell, and if you're going to argue that all that can be done is cooping... not stopping it and putting it out and then healing... then for feck's sake, let me scream and cry not shame me about not trying hard enough to be num . It hurts. My life shouldn't be one big tolerance to how bad it is. Better yet, believe that I can learn to turn to burner off and help me pull my arm out of it.
    I deserve it.
    I really hope you're feeling a bit better today love. xoxo Thinking of you.

  4. Ahhhh I hit something wonky and the sentences I wrote are all out of order. I'm sorry! It just looks like verbal dribble now. >_< Ackkk

  5. Dear Anon ~ I am picking up what you're laying down! And it IS bullshit! Like don't find the reason WHY you're on fire ~ just train your brain not to "think" about the fire...and as long as no one else notices - poof! YOu're CURED!
    Yeah, I get it....and it sux. If you found my blog by googling DBT - I DOUBLY get it!!!!