Monday, December 14, 2009

More hay *TRIGGER*? No thanks, I'm stuffed!

I have been having some difficulty navigating my way through the darkness lately.  I have been able to *keep myself safe*, for the most part, but it's terribly hard work.  Tiring!  So many things I feel like I need to *purge* out of my body, so many questions, situations I continue to find myself in that feel retraumatizing to me, and yet I am uable to get help for them because I am unable to speak of them, aloud, to the therapist. 
Most recently, it's been Friday nights AGAIN!  And my strange unconscious need to relive now what happened then.  It's more than just the scary movie thing...but that's the part I cannot speak of.  The past two Fridays I have called the therapist late at night because of the scary movie thing...and she keeps asking me, "Grace, why in the world would you purposely watch a scary movie ~ KNOWING that it is a trigger for you?"  And I will say, "Gosh, DT, I don't know...but I did it...and I'll probably do it again next week."  For the love of God!  It isn't the movie!  The movie is just the missing part that must play out...the movie is just the part of the evening that sends me past the point of no return!  But, of course, that's the part I won't speak about on Wednesday "on the couch". 

If I can't understand it, or verbalize what happens, how can I expect help?  I'm sure if I call the therapist again this Friday she will flip a gasket and tell me to get a grip and stop triggering myself on purpose.  As she has said in the past, "The nights are long because you still struggle with the dread, fear and expectation of being hurt, even though the rational logical part of you knows that the SF is not alive. You have patterns of expectations and conditioned responses that are easily triggered by certain factors related to your immediate environment and your orientation/awareness. You have internalized this history, so you expect it now. In order to bring relief to the anxiety and terror of waiting often irrationally creating ways to bring relief to the anxiety by acting out the expected harm.. Grace, you don't have to fear anything or anyone before bed. Try to connect with your inner angels, Gramma, or some soothing words and objects you have from me. Wrap yourself up in a blanket and use these resources to comfort you. I know it is so very hard and I will be sending you my strength to beat off your fears that linger from the past."
Oh, contraire' DT ~ there are still things to fear here.  I assure you...Fridays suck!  "BUT I DON'T WANT TOO!" ~ " BUT YOU WILL, GRACE...just like you do every single will."  And then bring on the scary movie! 

The triggering part that leads up to the movie~   That's what I need help with.  But that's the hard part...the shameful and embarrassing part.  That's what I cannot seem to stop...the movie?  That's just the icing on the cake!  Dessert to finish off the "meal"!  Enough to make me sick...every single Friday night! 

So since I continue to stuff myself sick on the icing ~ and I can't talk about it ~ I figure why bother trying anymore!  It's not like anyone can read my let me not waste further time and money with my *SILENCE*. 

Not having a super great night!