Monday, December 7, 2009

In the game of "all or nothing thinking/feeling" ~ I'll take *nothing*'s much safer, and I've never been much of a gambler

So the therapist forgot to email me last  I was surprised since she is typically very diligent about following through with what she "agreed" to do with respect to the TR.  (Kind of hard to build that "therapeutic trust" if ya don't I suppose).  I figured she was busy and just forgot ~ but then the weather outside was frightful, so I was hoping she had not had an unforseen accident. 

Strangely, the lack of communication didn't really change my evening.  I didn't freak out ~ or call her in a rage (which has happened in the past)...I noted it - thought it was unusual and hoped she was okay...but I wasn't disappointed or angry.  

I did finally email late this morning just telling her I was surprised and hoped she was okay.  As I had suspected, she was busy working and forgot.  She responded right away, apologized (nice but not necessary) and stated that she suspected it was a BIG disappointment for me.

But it wasn't.  I'm glad she's okay ~ but I no longer hold any expectations, or have any wants/needs, not right now.  In the past it would have devastated me that she did not "care" enough about me to remember to do what she said she would do (and it happened a few times ~ we're all human, eh?).  One time she forgot and the 5 year old begged her to email a different night instead to make up for her 'forgetfullness' ~ this time I really don't care.  This time it's different ~ I am not angry or hurt or disappointed ~ I won't let her get close enough to hurt me again ~  I won't trust like I did before ~ or depend on her to do what she says she'll do.  Ever.

I suppose I feel some sadness for the little girl who did want the therapist to email...but this is just another example for PAG to prove her point.  In fact, PAG wanted to cancel tomorrow's appointment, but then that would look like we were cancelling out of borderline we'll go, even though there's nothing to say right now...nothing that can be said due to lack of trust/safely.  Oh well ~ life happens.  In fact, I don't think I would even care if I showed up to my appointment tomorrow and she wasn't there because she forgot I was coming. It just doesn't matter to me now.

I don't *need* her, or anyone really.  I never had anyone meet any needs and now I don't need anyone too - I can meet my own needs and I will not rely on anyone else. So slap a *she's cured* sticker on my lapel and let's call it a day!

Yes, it appears as though I am caught in this "all or nothing" pattern again. 
Oh, well, I much prefer feeling *nothing* ~ it doesn't hurt like feeling *all*.

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