I had to apologize and make amends to a friend of mine this afternoon for something I said last week, as well as some unbecoming behavior exhibited in the course of the conversation. I don't remember the conversation, but I've no doubt it happened....
Late this afternoon a friend of mine walked into my office and in such a kind way she told me how nice I looked and how much she liked my sweater (I, too, think it's a great sweater ~ I wore it once on a day I had T ~ and the therapist told me it looked like a Rorschach test...Really, dear therapist, and just what did you see in the sweater pattern? ~ I guess that was a compliment coming from a shrink?) Anyway, my friend went on to tell me that the last time I wore the sweater....let me use her words, "It wasn't you!" She told me I was mean to her (well, I never!)...and I don't remember the conversation at all. She went on to tell me that I had stormed out of her office in the middle of the conversation, telling her she was acting like a shrink (Ok - I said my shrink) and when she called me a bit later I refused to talk to her. What? I'm sure she's telling the truth (must be the brain tumor) so I apologized to her and she said, "Well, it's nice to have Grace back...."
I hate it when I do things I don't remember...yesterday in T I told the therapist I thought I was doing better and I haven't had any borderline freak outs and sent her any crazy, hateful emails in a long time. And she said I did send one not too long ago...(?) WTF~ wasn't in my sent file! So I freakin' apologized to her too yesterday!
It's not been a great couple of days...in fact, I've had some of those freaky body issues, more than a few crying spells, done a couple of really stupid things (I tend to *act out* when I get really angry or feel unheard about something ~ even if I don't say out loud what that *something* is...something to do with a local police officer who came to pick up the toys we collected for the local kids and I have *priors* with him), have a horrible migraine, and a terrible case of insomnia...my mind has been racing ~ and I haven't been able to focus for a week now!
And I hate that the therapist isn't working tomororw night (although I'm sure she isn't hating having the weekend off...) because I know I'm going to need help tomorrow night ~ especially now that both DS and DD are spending the night with friends and won't be home ~ GREAT! WTF! I don't really like DH right now! But really, I don't like myself because I can't talk to him about ANYTHING! And there ain't no way I'm asking for help tomorrow night ~ not even if there's bloodshed!
Now ~ the kicker to my week, thus far! Tonight, I was shopping with a friend and this disgusting man 'accidentally' hit my shoulder and then grabbed my ass! WTF! Of course, I didn't say anything ~not even when he invaded my personal space at the cash register later, loudly proclaiming how he was shopping for his 'god-daughter' and 'aunt' ~ I care because???? Again, WTF? What the hell gave him to right to grab my ass and fuck up my night!? Of course, marsha dear, would tell me no one but me can eff up my night and I should let it go....cuz I sure can't change it...but it has jacked up my already messed up week!
I am SSSOOOOO a grown-up and I am NOT reaching out for help! Not tonight or tomorrow or the next night! I can and will do this on my own! And I don't care of that does mean some 'maladaptive' behavior and bloodshed! I don't care!!!!!
And what I'd really like is a martini right now! Where the hell is that demon bartender???? Make it a double ~ STAT!!!!!
F**K!!! SH*T!!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!
Marsha's a cunt.
ReplyDeleteThe rage mail didn't show up in your sent file? I have recalled 'dreams' in which I was deleting things from my sent file...
with a capital "C" and u and n and t - CUBED! And no~ ain't nothin' in the sent file! Now that could be a problem since that's how I keep track of PAG! And I wish Rambo wouldve been shopping w/me (even tho - ya'll hate to shop) so he could have kicked that filthy dickhead's ass!!!! I about puked in the parking lot! Still feel disgusting!
ReplyDeleteEw, gross! What the hell is wrong with people? I don't like people in my personal space, let alone actually touching me. And no one but you can fuck up your night? What kind of stupid ass proclamation is that? How about little kids who are abused - are they in control of how screwed up they are? I don't think so. That pisses me off. How about if I tell that to the abused foster child I work with - I'm sure he'd love that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the brain tumor caused those issues with your friend and your t. We definitely need to make the appointment with the neurosurgeon soon. In the meantime maybe you can tell them you're having some medical issues with a little tumor in your brain, they would be sure to forgive you if they heard that.
If THAT pisses you off ~ don't venture into the flying nun's DBT backyard ~ you'll really flip a gasket! It could send your brain tumor right to the frontal lobe causing some serious long-term effects! Yeah, Marsha Linehan thinks we should just 1/2 smile when we're being fucked by our fathers...why not make the best of it. I think Lynn summed it up best when she said, "Marha's a cunt"... My friend is used to my dissociative shit - thankfully - she forgave me :-) and the therapist too ~ she only told me to watch the borderline rants when I "pick" on the fossil (long story...if you don't have anything nice to say...which, I apparently don't tonight...PAG is quickly gaining control. I hate her!)
ReplyDeleteI don't really know anything about DBT, and frankly from how you describe it I don't think I want to know. I do know about CBT, which worked great for my fear of flying. That was just a stupid phobia that had nothing to do with my childhood, or trauma, or anything rational. So CBT did the trick, I think that is the kind of thing CBT is perfect for. Anything deeper than that, forget it. There is no way CBT could fix my current state of affairs.
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