Monday, December 21, 2009

And the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep...

Right now I'd rather turn around and walk away forever…make that RUN. It's much easier than facing the truth. I will do virtually anything to keep from ‘feeling’ the searing pain that has manifested itself in my soul in both my 'past' and 'present moment'...and  it has made me so very tired. And frankly I don’t know how to survive right now. I have nothing left~ I lack the energy to even make it through the days. So I have been taking advantage of the copious amount of anti-anxiety drugs that PDOC so graciously prescribed for me during *times like these* (aka: “crazy grace” times).
Every hand is a winner and every hand’s a loser…and I have come to the decision that the winning hand for me is to stay asleep as much as possible. I haven’t been feeling well physically – perhaps a cold from sleeping outside until after 3am on Friday night in the below freezing weather...I am not really sure.  
And the fact is that I have been plagued by nightmares when awake and asleep. Sunday morning I opened my eyes for the first time at 11:30am and not even a strong cup of coffee could keep me awake and functioning, so I saw the light for only a short time. Why fight it ~ isn’t that what the therapist would say? “Grace, listen to your body and if you need to sleep 22 hours out of the day, then *be okay* with that."  So I have been listening to this sluggish, disgusting, hurting body telling me to just take the drugs and go to sleep. And take enough of them to ensure we all stay asleep. 
The drugs do not prevent the nightmares but somehow make them more bearable, if that makes any sense at all. I still feel fear, still wake up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding, but right now it is still more tolerable than being awake.
I don’t think I have been this numb to the reality of life in a long time. I have been 'present' and 'in my body' and 'aware' of my surroundings for about 10 minutes the entire weekend. I'm okay with that because in this body is the last place I want to be right now. I’ve done zero Christmas shopping for my children. An inner critic is screaming about the Christmas shopping thing and yet I still cannot seem to rid my brain of the infinite dark cloudiness in my head long enough to even muster up the cognitive ability to order anything from Amazon. 
I am tired ~ drained ~ unwell

I wish I  could talk about what has happened but I cannot.  So please forgive me if I check out for a while...I did not plan this ~ but it is what it is ~ and I cannot change it right this minute.  I amdiscouraged, angry, frustrated, fearful, confused...and I cannot face any of that right now. 

And so I have a bedside table with the necessities to make it through the rest of this festive holiday season: bottles of seroquel, lorazapam, xanax and a bottle of water to wash them down with...and a bottle of wine and some vodka...if need be.  I just want to be totally and completely 100% numb for now. 
What? Grace, I thought you were past that? Yeah, me too…but I was wrong.

Now the best I can hope for is to turn toward the window and hope that somewhere in the darkess, I, like the gambler, will *break even*~ because I'm currently out of aces...


  1. I'm sorry you had to sleep outside on Friday night. It's way too cold to do that. If you need sleep you should sleep, even if it is an artificially induced sleep - but try to do it inside so you don't get sick, ok? Check out as long as you'd like, we'll be here when you get back.

  2. Yah, it was weird.
    Evcen though it's 'drug induced' I havent slept this good since the last 5 hour flight (I tend to get my best sleep at 35,000 feet - I've no idea why)...inside the plane, of course.