Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Fortress around my heart

Each night the little girl builds a fortress of pillows and blankets to protect herself from the irrational fear and the very real nightmares that overtake her in the darkness.  She forgot to build that fortress on Sunday night...and left the extra pillows on the floor and the bear she sleeps with downstairs in a chair.  The above facts were brought to my attention last night as the hus was heading upstairs to bed.  As typical, he exits the man-cave and stands with his hand on the banister and a foot on the first step and announces that he is going to bed (as though I'm unable to see him?).  Then he says, as he says every night, "Come hold me?"...knowing that I will say, "Sure, I'll be right up." but 'right' really represents several hours...  Last night there was a slight deviation to our nightly verbal exchange as he said, "Last night you didn't build your fortress and I don't know what was going on but I woke up at 2:30am and I had like 6 inches of space in the bed because you were so close to me."  Hum...I guess I took the "come hold me" phrase seriously on Sunday night.

I don't know why the deviation from my normal set up...but I do know that there is this desperate little girl inside of me who longs to be held, but other, more 'grown-up' parts inside of me who know we're supposed to be beyond that now and it will never be - nor will they ever allow that to happen.

I also know that a lot of the time it's difficult for the hus to understand where I am and what's going on with me...I can't even begin to explain it to him when I often don't know myself.  So I tend to air on the side of "quietness" in my communication with him too.  In other words, I don't often take off the mask in front of him, or ask him for help.  Part of me feels bad for him ~ I recognize that's it's difficult to have a relationship with someone with my history, and I can be more than a handfull (understatement...understatement...) and it is't easy for anyone to stick with 'us' through the bad times...the really bad times.  I get that - and not just with him. 

That's why I pull away instead.  It's difficult enough for me to deal with all the different and conflicting parts of me - how can I expect anyone else to do it with me?  The one who aches for reasurrance and care, the one who sabatages any attempts to act like a sophistated adult with her fears and desperate and confusing needs.  The one who aches with the desire to be loved, saved, *fixed* ~ on a neverending search for something to make her feel whole, safe, "unraped".  The sophisticated adult~ the professional cold grown woman who hides her insecurity by pretending to be self-confident...some even call her 'stuck-up'.  The party girl who can only react to situations with humor and laughter even in the most inappropriate times.  The little girl who desperately wants to be held safely by someone who will not hurt her.  

How can anyone else get through to all of that?  I can't do it and believe me, I've tried.
Today, the sophisticated adult is holding steady at the helm...on 'therapy' day, that typically means she will act as though everything is great with the world, even though inside, everyone else is screaming and suffocating under the weight of the fear...sadnes...anger...shame... hoplessness.  And it is virtually impossible to break through that exterior because she holds the key to lock others out...particularly the therapist because she needs no one, and that holds double for someone who told the 5 year old to "deal with it" because she is busy...and "make another choice since it's after 10 and the closed sign is out"...after being there way after 10 for the little girl for 2 years.

And then, late tonight, when the wind howls, and the snow begins to fall, and the coldness seeps inside of this body and weaves it's way up my spine, the desperation will begin, followed by the crying...then the overwhelming fear and hopelessness that will be unrelenting and she will be inconsolable until she cries herself into a restless sleep and wakes up tomorrow with a migraine and swollen red eyes.

You might be thinking, "Grace, if you KNOW that's what's going to happen then can't you stop it?  Can't you *make a different choice* and let the therapist try to help you this afternoon?"  

I don't know why it all seems so out of my control - I can watch it play out but I cannot intervene or stop it.  I wish I could...she won't let me use the key either to unlock the door.

1 comment:

  1. I know. To all of it. The inside crying has been relentless. I got a bit of a break today and still it tries to come back.