Thursday, December 24, 2009

I have fallen ~ and there doesn't seem to be a way to be redeemed...

I was just telling a friend of mine that there is so much running through my head and it is preventing me from sleeping.  Which I suppose is okay since it's Christmas Eve and I need to be "present" for my children.  And the therapist would tell me to stop "indulging" and live up to my responsibilities....(Like anyone ever "mirrored" that for me!)  The therapist would probably tell me to stop listening to music that seems to make me feel even more depressed ~ but here I am, anyway, head phones on, listening anyway.  Not to be contrary ~ PAG is not in charge right now. 
But I feel so effing worthless and sad right now.  Here I sit in the midst of two Christmas trees, a mantle full of poinsettas and lights, garland strung on the banisters, frosty jingling behind me and I cannot FEEL any of it.  And I want to FEEL it right now!  I want to feel all the good things in my life ~ and I can't, which makes me even more frustrated.  And the only way to force it is to hit the liquor cabinet (which I have not yet ruled out). 
I don't think I intentionally planned it this way but the holidays are usually very busy here...DS and the hus both have birthdays in December ~ DDs birthday is in January as is my 15th anniversary. And I can't get caught up in it this year!  I want to and I can't.  And my grandpa would have been 100 years old tomorrow, on Christmas day.
And here I sit thinking how I have been married to a man for 15 years and he does not even know me and I'm wondering how that happened.  But the reality is, no one really knows me... He loves who he "thinks" Grace is...but I am not really that person at all.  And it's really tiring for me to keep pretending to be her after 15 years. 
It's been a long long week ~ and it's not even Friday....I guess I got caught up in the suburban happens...I have fallen and the past can't be undone.
I messed up...I don't feel well at all tonight...not at all...


  1. Even if you are not feeling it, I want to wish you Merry Christmas. If you cannot feel it, perhaps you can just "think" it.

  2. I shall become just another statistic - and frankly, I don't even care. I'm too tired to even care.

  3. Thank you, Elizabeth...I can *pretend*...I'm really good at pretending...the only place I can be 'real' is here in blogland...and on the therapist's couch.