Monday, December 14, 2009

What should Grace do next?...Why I don't cry in front of my kids...and a horrible experience at Wal-Mart

I felt anxious all day Sunday...I couldn't focus on anything for more 30 minutes or so. 

The day started with a lovely morning trip to the local Wal-Mart where I met up with 2 disgustingly filthy looking men who smelled like stale beer and cigarettes ~ who immediately reminded me of the SF.  DD was with me and I was trying to act normal, but I was dizzy and nauseous...and of course there was no escaping them ~ I swear to God ~ they turned up in every aisle!  If you're wondering why I didn't just "leave" ~ I suppose that was an option, but I lived through it and I have to someday face the fact that that was then and this is now...and obviously since he's dead, it wasn't him in the store.  And it didn't kill me...and as a bonus gift I didn't even puke in the aisle!

I spent the day moving around from project to project...not being able to 'entertain' myself with anything for more than a few minutes.  I worked on the vacation scrapbook, then I put some more bows in the Christmas tree, folded a load of laundry, read a couple of 'educational' articles'...back to the tree, back to the scrapbook, hung at polyvore for awhile. What I really could have used was one of those infant toys with all of the visual stimulation play spots on it ~ maybe I can add that to my Christmas list.

The later it got, the higher the anxiety level 8:00, I was in that place where I knew I had better wrap up in my blanket with a cup of tea and start talking to myself about where I am and try to calm myself down with my own voice.   I do that a lot to myself to try to prevent any type of borderline dissociative freak out.  It works a lot better than it used too.  Probably because I used to just cuss out the scared freaked out one ~ but I've adapted that to at least try to be more calming/comforting (sans cussing) in the best way that I can..."It's going to be okay" seems to work better than "STFU right this minute baby!" (I know - yea me - Grace is awesome ~ break out the party hats...and then pack them back away)  I look for familiar things and remind myself where I am, what day it is, etc.  I think part of the problem last night was I knew it was Sunday and that DT was supposed to email me, and since she forgot the previous week, the 5 year old was afraid she was going to forget again.  So I had to remind her that DT isn't her mother and just because the host body used to promise things and NEVER follow through, that did not mean that DT would forget.  And even if she did, we made it last weekend without a major freakout, right?  She did not forget, BTW.... 

No matter how anxious or sad or scared I get I don't express those feelings in front of my children.  I talked to the therapist about that recently and she said I should cry in front of them, or "feel" in front of them.  That they should know that their mother gets sad, afraid, etc...I told her I couldn't do that.  I hide in the bathroom instead, or try to hold it all in until everyone is asleep.  Last night DD told me that grown ups don't cry.  I told her everyone cries sometimes.  And she said, "Well, you don't cry in front of me because you know it makes me sad if you cry, and you don't want me to be sad."....she's right.  I don't ever want her to be sad...ever. 


  1. I'm sorry you had to deal with those guys at Walmart. It's a horrible enough place without having to run into stinky people who remind you of other stinky people. But good for you for not running out - you sound like me. For some reason I can't give in to my fears and I feel like I have to stick it out. Sometimes it's not good though, I need to know when to say enough is enough, you know?

  2. Hugs back to you, my dear friend, Lynn

    Harriet ~ Yeah, I typically try to avoid wally-land, but for some reason I decided to go :-) - must have been the 'roll-back' prices...
    I hear you that it isn't always good to 'stick it out' - but I'm so tired of running, ya know?