Wednesday, December 30, 2009

"Grace, there's a difference between being independent and being so self-reliant as to shut people out." There is?

In my *real* life I tend to pull inside myself when I find myself in a place of fear or pain; much like a turtle hiding inside her shell when she feels threatened. It’s difficult for me to reach out to someone for help, or even just for ‘company’. I don’t feel that way “here” ~ for a couple of reasons, there is, of course, the anonymity factor, but also because I think most people who ‘read’ my blog feel and struggle with much of the same things I do. In my *real* life that isn’t the case.

On Monday I shared the puking in the IHOP parking lot with the therapist, and I told her that I just told the hus and DS & DD that I wasn’t feeling well and that I swallowed wrong…and she asked me if I thought it might be better if I shared the truth with them…not like the gross explicit details of what was running rampant through my crazybrain, but just that the waitress had said something that triggered a past memory for me and it made me sick. And without even thinking about it, I said, “No way! I don’t want them to know!” It’s hard to share the bad things in real life with real life people because I don’t want them to see me the way I see myself; weak and gross and dirty and depressed. I want them to see the Grace that I’ve always been….because I’m embarrassed of the other “graces”. And they are to be kept in the dark, as they have always been.

Monday’s therapy session was very difficult because we continued to talk about the ‘hard stuff’ the stuff I don’t talk about and I pushed myself to share more of the *bad* stuff with her than I ever have before and at one point she even asked me if I wanted to stop talking about it and I said no. And I think I pushed myself because I want to feel better so badly that I just want to spew it all out of me so “we” can figure out how to deal with it so there is less confusion and craziness and fighting inside my head. But my plan kind of back-fired on me because Monday night there was even more craziness and fighting…voices screaming that we shared too much with the therapist. Embarrassment, shame, fear, pain…all pummeled me until I wanted to cut the voices right out of my brain! What was I thinking? Why did I tell her that? What she must think of me now! Holy shit! Now I can never go back there she knows way to much! And this continuous tape recorder did not stop until late Tuesday night.

I had text messages and VM messages and emails from friends and I couldn’t answer any of them because I couldn’t let anyone know (IRL) how much pain I was in and how much shame I felt from therapy on Monday.  But then last night, I did respond to some of the emails and text messages, apologizing for my lack of response but that I wasn’t really in a place to talk on Monday. And I realized that I do have friends who love me and would be there for me, if I would let them… I responded to one friend and told her I wasn’t in a good place on Monday so I couldn’t respond to her then…and she said, “That’s when you walk up to me for a hug and know that I am here for you always.”
Another friend emailed this to me: Grace, there's a difference between being independent and being so self-reliant as to shut people out :) Not that I feel shut out! It's just that you have some reason why you have to keep everything locked up inside and can't talk to anybody. I mean if it's for your own benefit that's one thing, if it's a control thing or whatever, but if you seriously think you're benefiting ME by holding it in...get a grip, girl! I care about you, I care about what happens to you, what goes on in your mind, for good OR bad, and I always will. You matter to me. What you feel matters to me too. You don't have to talk when you don't feel like it, I promise you that, but if you feel like it and you're sitting on it cause you're worried about ME, I'm gonna have to...I dunno, mail you a fruitcake as punishment. Fruuuuuitcake *ghostly voice* Be afraid. Fear the fruitcake!

I have some really good friends out there…but you know what still holds me back from reaching out to them? That voice inside who says, “Grace, they don’t KNOW the truth about you. That’s why they love you. If they knew the truth they would surely run away…just as you have run away from yourself for so many years…” and so I didn’t respond to either of them.

And until they invent water-proof mascara that is truly water-proof,
I ain't crying in front of anyone...but dear therapist!


  1. Grace I really feel for you...I understand because I've been we you are and I promise you it does get better.

  2. Oh god, I could have written this post. People like me because they don't know about the evil part of me. And I have shut out my friends and they don't call or email me anymore. Your friend's email brought tears to my eyes. But even if one of my friends wrote that to me, I still wouldn't be able to open up to her. Then she would know what I'm really like inside. I agree with you that it is great to have blog friends who understand, but wouldn't it be nice to have that in real life too?

  3. {{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}

    I know you. I know the inside amd I love you so fucking much.

  4. Grace I am glad you do have some really good friends that can reach out to you! ((((Grace))))