Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Avoid Life! It'll kill you in the end...

I have been sleeping off and on since Saturday…more ‘on’ than ‘off’…and I still don’t feel *rested*. The dissociation at night is bad again so it’s better to take the sleeping meds in an effort to ward off any borderline rants ~ they eventually take effect and I wake up, blood-free, somewhere and then try to find my way to bed after taking more. I got up after 11 today and have slept most of the afternoon.

It feels as though I am constantly fighting against the winds of fear and paranoia so I try to avoid the peaks by taking sleeping pills and going to bed. The darkness still invades my sleep but the more medicated I am the less I remember any dreams. I don't know what happened to me.  I had gotten myself to a point where I could actually function most days. I had nights when I wasn’t in dreadful pain, or weighed down by the fear and panic. But now I have that gut-wrenching feeling again, the one where you feel like the bottom drops out from underneath your feet and your heart is racing and your stomach is in your throat. I cannot get warm or comfortable, in spite of the down comforters and pillows and the giant golden retriever I surround myself with.

But of course everything has to come to an end, right?

So for now I am avoiding life. I don’t know why I feel like my entire sense of security has suddenly disappeared. I know there is so much more than this and still I find myself so afraid that I will not find it. I know I have a purpose, I know that somewhere I still have drive and ambition. But there is that nagging voice in my head who tells me that maybe I’m not strong enough, that maybe all of this is for nothing and this is as good as it gets. That’s what scares me. Because the truth is I don’t know my purpose.

For now I have to sleep because when I am awake I feel snowed under and paralyzed.
And I’m really tired.


  1. I don't feel well at all right now.
    But it snowed a foot today - so at least there's no pressure to leave the house.
    I don't want too