Friday, December 25, 2009

This is just a terrible time and we just have to get through it. But how?

My life here is not a secret. The Grace in this blog is a lot more of me than I would ever reveal in my real life. Writing what I write here, expressing what and how I feel, is far beyond what I would ever reveal in real life ~ even to my close friends. I cannot remember the last time I let anyone see me cry or let them see the pain I go through (exception being the therapist). But here I am, typing away, open and raw. The painful truth that is me...and that truth is that I am in pain. I pray to just sleep now so I can get relief from the pain. I pray for answers and solutions because I know that long-term sleeping isn’t the answer and I really want to feel better but in my present moment I am settling for any relief I can find. I’m grateful to have this outlet, a way to express what I cannot say aloud, or show to anyone in my real life. It is difficult for me to allow people to see this side of me, to be vulnerable, even on-line. It is certainly not something I can do in real life.

Right now I feel like I am standing above a tornado, watching it wreck mayhem on the girl who was me. But I am beyond expecting anything right now. With every step there is a twist, every fork in the road feels like a dead end. I am ready to fight. I am ready to get past this. It all still mystifies me; how this happens. Just I begin to feel better, things are going well, I can control my thoughts and maintain control over the crazies who dwell within ~ then suddenly it’s like a hammer crashes into my head and a g-force of reality rains down. I had myself convinced that I was better. The hardest part was finally over and the next part will be a breeze! Then it all catches up with me again...I cannot outrun it.

I thought taking this time off from work was a good idea. But I’m quickly coming to the conclusion that it might do more harm than good. Each night I just feel empty and drawn...haven’t I felt enough already? Is there anything left to feel? I feel desperate for relief. It is so hard to find hope and promise when you can’t seem to see past the thick fog of the pain.  And it still amazes me how *crazyhead* can manifest itself inside me causing not just mental anguish but also phsyical torment.  The first thing I did this morning before coming downstairs to watch DS & DD open presents is vomit until my stomach muscles ache.  And the queasiness and headache will not go away. 

And it's overwhelming, you know? It's just too much.  All of it running through my head ~ horrible things that  I cannot even write here.  And I want to talk to the therapist about it - I do - because I know I need her help.  But when I picture myself sitting there, on her couch, actually speaking aloud the horrible disgusting things from my past and my present - I imagine her sitting there, disgusted with me...she wouldn't be able to handle it.  She wouldn't.  And I cannot fathom how I would feel to see a look of disgust on her face.  To have her see me, Grace, as I truly I am stuck in this terrible paradox ~ needing her help but not being able to express to her what I need help with. 

I am trying to see past this time of pain and once again find hope, find joy in life and let other people IRL help me when I am lost. There must be a what is it? Maybe I’ll go lie down and explore answers to that question. I had better find something quick ~ because it is Friday once again.


  1. I am the same way. The stuff that I reveal as "Bloomingpsycho" is a lot truer than the stuff I would reveal as Real Me. However, I find myself holding back on the truth either way. I don't do therapists myself--can't afford 'em, don't trust 'em. But if you have a good one it would be useful to share what is going on with her, I think.

  2. I feel for you Grace, it does get better...there is no easy solution, quick fix or short cut. You just need to keep putting one foot in front of the's always darkest before the dawn, praying for you.

  3. I guess what I really was trying to say is if she is truly a good therapist she will not be looking at you with disgust but rather trying to provide you with solutions.

  4. BP~ I know what you mean about revealing your 'true self' - even here. That' why I started a couple of other blogs that are password protected. There are things I need to say, but cannot say them "here" on SG, even, but cannot write them down and have someone IRL find them, either!
    I also hear what you mean about not "trusting" a therapist. I've been to many throughout the years, and I've never been able to trust one, ever. This one? Well, I've tested her time and time again (a lot of times subconsciously)throughout the past 4 years - and she has passed each and every test. I trust least as much as I can trust anyone. It's just some really scary shit that I'm not sure anyone can be 'trusted' with, or help with. I don't know. Now I'm babbling. She tries...

    Exhale, Thank you...and I know you're right. It's just that I start to get better and then the wind gets knocked out of me and I feel like I'm starting over! I hate that!!! Thank you - for the thoughts and the prayers...

    ~ Grace