Thursday, December 24, 2009
You say that I'm the boy, who can make it all come true....
I feel really bad after my last confession about the hus not even knowing me after being married for 15 years. That's not really fair to him. He had no idea what he was marrying. He thought he was the boy who could make all my dreams come true....He had no idea of the nightmares I had already lived through. All he wanted was a "normal" life ~ a normal family...the white picket fence, lots of kids and the big family dog...and I can't even give him that. I can't even do that right. Stamp a big *you fail* sign on my forehead. It isn't his fault ~ it's mine.
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Grace, I've wanted to write you daily for months but I've kept quiet- sorta mastered that:)I need to thank you for speaking to me,for me, day in and day out. You speak my truth, share my pain and give me comfort. For this I thank you and wanted you to know you're a gift, not under my tree but in my heart. Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteDear Anon ~
ReplyDeleteThank you...that's why I continue to write. To talk to people like you, who like me, want to be heard. Thank you for giving me the gift of your comment, even anonomously ~ I hear you...
Merry Christmas to you, too...
~ Grace
Anon is right. You ARE a gift. And you have NOT failed. Do any of us REALLY know exactly what will happen in the future with our spouse when we marry? No, we do not. In spite of what you deal with, dude got one hell of an awesome good deal.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't fail. Marriage isn't pass/fail anyway. At least mine isn't, even though I feel the same way you do at times.
ReplyDeleteI have borderline personality disorder--no-one can be "that guy" for me. Realizing this freed me from the pain of trying to pursue romantic relationships. I'm not saying it is the same for everybody but that is my truth. I relate to the feeling too that no-one can ever really know those of us who have been hurt in certain ways.
ReplyDeleteLynn, :-) Thanks...I know he did ~ he knows he did, too. At least who he "thinks" he married.
ReplyDeleteHarriet, I know. I just still feel like I cannot be "real" with him either. And it's tiring.
BP, Thank you for sharing your truth. I don't know...I guess Harriet said it right, it isn't pass fail...I think I was just reflecting because 15 years of marriage is a long fuckin' time when you're married to someone you no longer communicate with...
(that may not have come out right...)
~ Grace