Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I got about 20 minutes of sleep last night.  My eyes are burning with tears and my body is filled with hopelessness today.  I know it will pass and then it will come back and then it will pass and then it will come back...over and over again until Grace's respiration has ceased.  I know that.

It saddens me how little there is to "offer" and I am so tired of hoping something will change.  There is this terrible sadness in the dark pit of my heart.  Yesterday afternoon I found out that there is a trauma course (training for professionals) coming soon to an area near me.  "New Frontiers in Trauma Treatment"...catchy name, huh?  And for a moment, a brief moment, I found a small seed of hope in the pit of darkness.  Hope for help...until a minute later when the therapist said she wasn't going to be attending.  Obviously, her decision, and I can't change there's no need for begging, Grace...get off the floor!

And last night, my mind harkened back to a conversation the therapist and I had over her recent attendence of a 5 day intensive DBT training course.  Let me tell ya, she was excited!  And I'm oh so happy for her ~ and any of her other clients who might find it helpful.  The conversation started because she told me she was attending a training program, but did not mention what it was called.  Little Grace got excited thinking it was perhaps a course on trauma work and was disheartened to learn it was not.  At that point, the therapist said that if a reputable trauma course (and this one is) was offered in the area she would jump on the chance to go and learn more....  Apparently, that has since changed.

Of course, even though it's her decision, and it does not involve me, I once again feel hopeless and not good enough.  Not good enough for her to go and learn and be able to use the learned skills to help me.  And I need help so desperately.  I cannot continue to live like this.  No one truly realizes how bad it really is. 

For once, I wish I were an MHP so I could go myself!  I feel like there's this new experimental treatment out there that could really work...but no one is willing to do the training so I can get the treatment.  And I know this isn't 'reality' - but in my trauma brain, it is because I am not good enough.

I feel silenced.  I think I will at least take a break from therapy until January - or maybe not go back at all.  Why is this so hard?  Why is there no end in sight?  Why are there so many of us and yet I still feel so alone?  I don't want a miracle...I know they aren't real.  I just want some tools - just a small seed of hope.  Something to hold on too.  I just want someone to help me.

I think maybe I will construct a cardboard sign that reads, "WILL WORK FOR TRAUMA TREATMENT" ~ and go stand outside the lecture hall and see of anyone who actually does take the training course would be willing to help me.  Yes, I am that desperate right now! 

I want to go back to bed...I can't do *today*....maybe tomorrow will feel differently, but today I feel there is no hope.  I am willing to work for it.  I am willing to pay for it.  But there is no offering.  Hope: OUT OF STOCK~ No rainchecks offered....


  1. Hey Grace, I believe in miracles. I don't know how it even happened but shooting up 4 and 5 times a day - puking my guts out and cutting and biting myself - and then Someone touched me - broke through. Can't really explain it but even though I had to go through a lot of therapy - something happened that gave me the push, the omph I needed. Praying for something special for you too. It' incredibly hard - but there is hope and light. In your corner. Sarah

  2. Hi Sarah, from your typing fingers to my eyes - to hopefully someday my brain...processing the hope I see in your words.
    Thank you for your prayers...
    ~ Grace

  3. I just attended a workshop on Frontiers of Trauma Treatment by Bessel van der Kolk and did a detailed report on my blog. It was a powerful experience and this may also be called the frontier of our society!

    I hope this will inform you more on the workshop you want to attend.