Tuesday, March 24, 2009

DBT (Yes, again) Inspired by *Little Sheep*

Well, after a virtual conversation with Little Sheep, I have been inspired to share more about my “experience” with DBT.

Anyone who has read my posts about DBT know that I think the benefits of the program are…hum…NONE…well, occasionally, there is some humor involved…I’m still shocked at what people will share about themselves (IRL) with a group of others who don’t even know *last names*!
Anyway, I digress…

I actually connected with 1 group member; basically because she is a *free spirit* and shares a lot of personal information in class, and I do NOT, and so I ask questions based on her examples. She and I could not be more opposite, and I’m sure in real life we would not get along, but in class we do. So we sit together and there are times when we laugh, and, well, putting it politely, probably irritate the hell out of the “serious/quiet” group members. She has bi-polar II and chooses not to medicate, and she said early on that she tends to share too much with people she doesn’t know and not enough with those close to her.

A few weeks ago I walked in a few minutes late (is that considered “Therapy Interfering Behavior”?) – The bad part is I was actually THERE 20 minutes early, but sitting in my car reading and forgot the time! There are 7 “emotionally disregulated” group members. When I walked in, there was only 1 chair left and that was in-between the instructor and some chick I had never seen before – who was later introduced as the new “intern”. The instructor said to me, “Sit anywhere you like except by “my BP friend” – I couldn’t tell if she was joking, or not, so I was pissed about it. We went around the room and gave examples of “judgment vs. consequences” and I used that as my example. My BP friend about jumped out of her chair, but was quick to agree that it pissed her off too. I think the entire class was astounded that I said it – but it needed to be said. The instructor was quick to say that she was kidding and “validated” my feelings (she’s really big on that!). But she did not negate the fact that someone had complained about BP and I disrupting the class. I told her I would “shut up & behave” because the last thing I wanted to do was prevent someone from “learning”….

That lead to a class conversation about “what hinders you from learning and participating in class”. I said, “Confidentiality” – and went on to explain that I wasn’t comfortable with the new intern taking notes in class on a paper that had everyone’s last names on it. Of course, I prefaced my comment with “no offense” (always sure to put someone on the defensive). Intern asked if she could respond to my comment…feel free! She said that she’s “bound by the same contract” as instructor. Again, no offense, but you’re a college student and why should I believe you. A couple of other people agreed with me about her having our information. At least it was an interesting class…..

I’ve been pissed off ever since. So last week, during the “meditation”~ brought to you by none other than “Marsha Marsha Marsha” herself – I was texting on my phone (very quietly). After the ‘weekly meditations’ we go around the room (we do that a lot) and “share our experience” about what we “felt” during “meditation time”. So a group member, when it was her turn to “share”, looked at me and said, “No offense, but I think we need to have a no cell phone/texting policy while in class”…here we go with the “no offense” phrase again…. So I responded, “No offense taken, I realized it was disrespectful when I was doing it, I just decided I didn’t care.”
Now, normally, I’m a “rule follower” ~ I follow rules, I respect others, but I was just up to here *hand at top of forehead* with the meditation bullshit – like who can *think* about the skin between their nose and upper lip for 5 minutes! Give me a break.

If you’re still with me, read this next part very carefully: The instructor told that group member, “I want you to be less vulnerable to what others are doing, and more in tune with yourself.” She did NOT say one word about me texting in class! I’m still laughing about that!
What it comes down to for me is this: Marsha Linehan developed this “Therapy” (and I use the term “therapy” even though I don’t think it is “therapy”) and if you do research on Ms. Linehan you’ll find that she grew up in the Cleaver home, never married, no children, was a NUN before she became a “world renowned psychologist who can “heal” those who have been diagnosed with *whisper* BPD.

Here’s my 2-cents, for what it’s worth: I came from a home where my mother HATED me, and validated that hate on a regular basis, I was physically and sexually assaulted by my step-father for 10 years and threatened if I were to tell, I was raped twice as a teen and an adult, once at knife-point. I now have a husband, 2 children and a very stressful full-time job and I don’t have time to “sit and watch my feelings go by” and place them in labeled buckets for hours a day when my kids are picking up a goldfish and throwing it back in the bowl just to see how the skin on the damn fish feels! All the while dealing with the 10 different people inside of me fighting each other, and the constant video feed from my past looping in my head.

If, God forbid, Marsha Linehan, was raped at knifepoint after suffering years of constant abuse ~ I wonder how *mindfulness* would work out for her? If she had a family and a full-time job, I wonder how much time she would have to sit and meditate and *watch* her GD feelings and place them in labeled f-ing buckets? Quid pro quo Marsha, tell me how helpful your f-ing DBT would be then!!!!!
*This*, what I’m living, is real life! And I don’t need a fucking nun, who has NEVER experienced abuse first hand, to tell me how to *mindfully* deal with the flashbacks and body memories of my step-father raping me day after day, and year after year!
D - Dense
B – barren
T –therapy

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