Friday, March 13, 2009

Help me.... total radio silence

These past 2 weeks have been difficult – in the sense that I have felt so much better the past 3 months and it appears as though I’m once again on a downward trend. I haven’t cut myself~ but old self destructive patterns are once gain emerging and showing their ugly heads. I have found myself withdrawing from others, bouts of unprovoked anger, feelings of hate and doubt. I don’t entirely know what is happening, nor do I know what to do about it.
I have noticed that although I haven’t cut my skin, bled out, scarred my body externally…I have starved myself to the point I have no energy. I hear dt and pdoc telling me that it isn’t the healthy…but I ignore their voices and withhold food from myself. I am doing it for two reasons, well, I can recognize 2 reasons, perhaps there are more.
1. I have this intense anger at dt about my perceived abandonment issues
2. I really don’t care enough about myself to eat. I need to be invisible.
I have had trouble regulating my body temperature these past few weeks, so I decided to take a shower when I got home from work. And because I had a terrible night last night, and I had these overwhelming feelings of anger at dt for not responding to my cries for help…I made myself vomit in the shower. I want to punish myself, because I deserve to be punished. If I didn’t she would of responded to me. If I were good, she would care about me. I puked until my throat hurt and I had nothing left inside of me. I wish I could say I felt better, but I don’t.
And the whole time I’m in the shower vomiting, I am crying out, “help me, someone, please help me.” And no one answers. Just as no one answered me then….

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