Wednesday, March 4, 2009

To the Beat of a Metronome

I can feel it inside of me. The familiar hurt and pain. It started on Sunday night and it has grown stronger each day. I have been able to keep my emotions in control, ride them out and not fight them. I have been alternating between emotion mind and reason mind, back and forth, like a metronome, but never stopping in the middle, never stopping in wisemind.

I am just trying to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. But one of the little ones inside of me wants to fight, to rebel. And I get so tired of fighting her I just want to give in to her, just go away and let her take control. The constant fight to keep her spirit quelled takes every ounce of energy I have. I tell myself this is just a valley, there will be another hill and I will feel the sun warm my face again, I just have to ride it out. And in theory this seems like such an easy thing to do, right? It isn't. And there are moments when I'm okay, moments when I find hope. But it is a constant struggle and it takes such a tremendous amount of effort. I can't let my guard down for a minute~ or I'm overtaken by feelings of fear, doubt, sadness and hopelessness.
I see the pattern emerging~ I feel a mixture of anger and sadness, I withdrawal, pull myself away from everyone, keep to myself, much like a turtle pulling into her shell in the face of fear. I cancelled my therapy appointment for this week, cancelled PDOC appointment for next week, left a voicemail for DBTC that I just don't feel like I am getting anything from the class....I just don't want to do any of it. I haven't answered the phone or returned any calls.

I feel fragile, like a paper thin crystal wine goblet. Beautiful and etched in delicate flowers, but if too much pressure is put on the glass, if the goblet is sat down too hard on the counter, or dropped on the floor~it will shatter. I feel as though I might shatter at any moment. I am running on empty~ I haven't eaten in days, I have no energy. Gawd! I have been here so many time before, I hurt from the inside out, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I want to reach out, but I can't, she won't let me. I want to feel safe, I want to feel accepted. I don't want to play this healing game anymore, I want to forfeit - I want to call a foul or a penalty against those who have hurt me. I want to hear the final buzzer sound and look at the scoreboard and find that I'm ahead....for once.

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