Friday, March 27, 2009

Why can't I "feel" what she says? Why don't I believe it?

On of my best friends said this to me:
"I don't know how to say this to you. I can say the words, but they won't mean anything to you. It's not that you won't believe it, it's that you CAN'T, and I don't know how to take you from here to there. I'll say it anyway because there's nothing else I can do.

What you "allowed" people to do to have to be in control of a situation to allow something to happen. You weren't in control. Other people were controlling YOU. You didn't allow anything ,these things were done TO you, regardless of your won will, your own character. What other people do TO you says NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING about who YOU are. THEY are disgusting, revolting, and worthless. Them! Not you! You are not responsible for this! And you are not tainted by it. You are devastated, scarred, shattered, not like other people, yes. But my disgust and hatred is reserved for your abusers and them alone. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you and it never will. This was a destruction that was inflicted, not a disease that was transmitted.

You don't deserve to be hurt. You haven't earned it or asked for it. There is not some terribleness within you that made you merit this, attracted it to you. You were a victim of someone else's crime, someone else's warped, twisted, disgusting, oozing rotten seriously f'd up brain. These people had no right to do what they did to you.

And you are not nothing. You want to be nothing, I think. And I can understand why. But you're not. You're such an incredible person. You're an amazing friend to me. Think of what I know about you (and I don't know everything) and think how much I STILL love you and find you amazing even with everything I know. You don't have to understand it from where you are, you just have to know that it's possible for me to know what I know and still love you without any HINT of disgust or of hatred."

I heard her say it... but I can't FEEL it.
I can't feel the goodness, I can't see what she sees.
Maybe she meant to say it to someone else....

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