Sunday, March 1, 2009

I can't really pinpoint why...but I just don't feel well tonight...

I am SO much better now than I have been in well... 2 years?!
I bow down to the lamictal, and forgive me for this, but it the drug has saved my life, and I recently said, "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for lamictal is with me..." I know...terrible, huh?

In November when I went to see my current PDOC for the first time, I remember her saying to me, "I know you don't believe this, but people can, and do, get better. You can get better Grace, you can beat this. I've seen it happen." I think I may have rolled my eyes at her, but she was right. Very, very knowledgeable woman about depression and PTSD...I have joked, and said, "You get what you pay for!" Her knowledge in the field, and caring nature, explains how she can charge $250.00 and hour and NOT take insurance. And I recognize how lucky I am that I can afford her and the rest of the "clinical team" I have working with me.

But tonight I don't feel very well. As many 'survivors' say, "I can't really pinpoint why~ but I just don't feel well." I mean, I'm "ok", not standing on the roof of the house ready to jump, but I have those familiar feelings of "I'm not good enough" skipping through me today. I guess the good news is I actually recognize the feelings, before they run rampant and take over, and I find myself drunk, in a pool of blood, on the bathroom floor. I've been there.... many times!

I just feel depressed and detached tonight. I am still functioning, cognizant of what's going on around me, I am still in 'reasonable adult' mind....but it sort of feels like an act today. I have been trying so hard to stay on this 'healing path' and I remind myself how precious life is, and how I need to live every day, and in addition to helping myself, I need to give more than I take. But tonight, that voice within me is whispering, "Yes, life is precious, but someone decided your life was not special at all." Deep inside of me, I don't believe that anymore, but it's still a hard voice to combat. Normally I would have sent an email to DT telling her how I'm feeling, depressed and nervous of falling back into my self destructive ways, but I am trying to be so independent now, trying to prove to myself that I can do this ~ without her assistance. And yet, it makes me feel even more sad that I won't talk to her about it tonight. Oh well, it's all part of the process, I guess. Well, that and my stubbornness and willfulness.

I think my disdain tonight may be partly due to my body being out of balance. I spend 4 days eating a few slices of apples a day, then a couple of days eating nothing, then back to the fruit, with the occasional vegetable. I guess you could say I barely eat to live and it is killing my digestive system. I know it, and yet most days I feel powerless to control it. Ironically, I don't eat to gain control of something in my life, and yet really, the eating disorder is controlling me.

I'll be better tomorrow....I hate getting up on Monday mornings, but at least I go to work, it's a routine, I'm that helps. I think I'll go to bed early tonight. It's probably not a good night to stay up, alone, with only my negative thoughts and that annoying internal, abusive voice....

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