Friday, March 27, 2009

The Voices Violated the Restraining Order!

A few months ago, I thought PDOC was a miracle worker. Finally, I thought, I've received the combination of drugs that will stop the voices, calm the storm and allow me to live a 'normal' life. A life free of the flashbacks of the past. A mind void of the ever present chatter of those that dwell within. I was singing praises for Lamical! I wanted to do a commercial, post it on a billboard, "Grace has been cured of mental illness, thanks to Lamictal, the wonder drug!"

But a few weeks ago the internal voices returned. What? I had taken out a restraining order against them in the form of a pill. They weren't allowed to be within 500 feet of me! They whisper to me now, when before they were screaming, but they came back, despite the drugs...and their message is the same, just quieter. And though quiet, I can still hear them. Once again, I had fallen for their tricks, I had settled back into the comfort of my irrationality and unequivocal anger. I thought I had outrun them, the demons, but I must have left a trail of breadcrumbs, they followed them, and here they are back inside my head, whispering of anger, shame, sadness, and self-doubt.

I don't know what triggered the set back this time but here it was, uninvited and unannounced.

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