Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I don't understand why no one else can hear my silent cries for help...

I have days when I feel like I am healing....at least on the 'road' to healing, rather than the dead end road I traveled for so long. And then suddenly it hits me...the pain stabs through my heart, sudden and sharp and I find myself unable to breathe. My face and chest flushed with heat but cool to the touch.

Tonight I hear the screaming in my head, the sound is deafening and I don't understand why no one else can hear it. Deep within me, there is screaming, and pleading and begging - and yet no one hears me. I pray for silence and yet my prayers go unanswered. The ache in my head sends waves of nausea through my body. The dizziness makes me put my head down in an attempt to stop the room from spinning. The beat of my heart pounds in my ears and my breath feels shallow.

These are not unfamiliar feelings....these days come less frequently now than a few months ago, but when they hit~ they send me reeling back into feelings of helplessness and fear. I try to talk myself out of it. I pick up the phone, think of dialing a friends number, or DT, but a voice talks me out of it. "Grace, you're nearly 40 years old!"....yes, that's true, but I feel 6 again.

I needed to hear from someone tonight - I screamed for her in my head....but she didn't hear me, she didn't see me. And I am alone.

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