Monday, March 30, 2009

I hurt myself today...

I hurt myself today. It had been just over 3 months.
I had a terrible phone conversation with DT and I still feel like her new process is hurtful. I talked to her while sitting in the waiting room for DBT class. After I hung up the phone, very distraught, not that she gives a flying fuck, I went into the public ladies room and slammed the door on my arm a few times. It didn't bring the kind of pain I needed so I was scouring the room looking for something to hurt myself with. Finally, I remembered I carry a small pair of scissors in my purse and I took them out, pulled down my jeans and cut 3 - 4" gashes in my thigh. And once the blood began to flow out of my leg, I started to feel my breathing slow back to normal.

It wasn't a question of IF I was going to do it - I would have found a cutting device somewhere. I didn't stop to think if I had a band aid with me (It's not on the list of things I carry every day since I hadn't cut in over 3 months). I just rolled some toilet paper and placed it against my thigh, and kept watching during DBT class to make sure no blood was seeping through my jeans.

I really think it's hopeless for me. I think this is 'as good as it gets'. And if that is the case, then I don't need a fucking therapist who really brings me more grief and anger than my actual fucking past. I can do it on my own!

I don't know.... I think I may ween myself of all of the meds I'm taking - they're not working anyway. Therapy, meds, group...all a huge waste of fucking time! But damn! Somehow a lot of us get sucked into the processes... "God - I couldn't survive a week without seeing my therapist." "I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, I'd be dead in 3 days if I didn't take my medication." All bullshit! All what they want us to believe.

Give me a fucking break!
I've seen DT for 3 years and I'm in worse mental health than ever! In fact, I don't think I've been in a MORE dysfunctional relationship than the one I have with her! For Fucks sake! Am I learning anything from DBT classes if I slice my skin open in the bathroom 5 fucking minutes before the class starts?????

Oh, and don't worry, DT, or DBTC, Grace has dealt with the pain for now.....she isn't going to call you. She will talk to you Wed, during her regularly scheduled appointment time.... and now a word from our sponser.

SEROQUEL! Even though it is NOT a drug that should be prescribed for sleep, my PDOC gave it to me. I'd question it, but really, the MPH community, they all stick together, do what they want- because the clientale they see? All crazy and would never have the guts to question them or their 'treatment' plan. And if you do question them? Well, then you're labeled a difficult client and stamped with a borderline diagnosis...and given even more meds! I swear to God I could could treat the entire 'mentally diabled' population in a small town with the amount of prescribed drugs in my cabinets right now! Zoloft, trazadone, celexa, effexor, paxil, wellbutrin, ativan, seroquel, lamictal, reglin, amatryptiline... (not that I would, because I know better than to pass out prescription medications....and more importantly, because they ARE NOT fucking helpful!!!!!

Well, I should close for insurance company sent me a survey on 'my experience' with the mental health professionals/services...I think now would be a good time to complete that!


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