Saturday, March 28, 2009

You think you *know* me? You will NEVER *know* ME!

You may think you know me, but you have no idea. You don’t know the real me. Me, who has no feelings, who feels no pain, me, who does not love. You don’t know the me who survives despite the struggle not to. I will punish myself, I will take everything I have and make it disappear…far away from me because I can’t be trusted not to cave in emotionally. I am empty. I want to be emptier, to feel nothing, to feel even less than nothing, to disappear, and this time I will NOT BE AFRAID when it hurts because hurt has power over me. I want to feel pain, to hurt, a reminder of the fact that I do not fucking need anyone but myself to take care of me. I will make myself disappear.

I have been betrayed, abused, and broken. I feel there is nothing inside of me holding me up~ if you blow on me, I will disintegrate like ash. I want to see my bones, to feel them to know that something inside of me is stable. Leave me alone because alone is where i am safe. Alone is where i want to be. Alone is where I can take care of myself. But you, the girl within me: Your emotions are explosive, noisy, come rushing out of you, before you think. They are not deliberate, but are accidental like a crash, you never "MEAN" what you say, your words are chaotic; they overwhelm you every time, they get in your way. And yet you are full of them, they spill out of you like trash and you can’t contain them, you don’t know how.

Your emotions are reactive and impulsive. What you say does not affect me, but your neediness weighs me down, you overwhelm me. Your feelings consume me, they envelop me and make me forget that I have any feelings of my own. I can’t even hear my self because YOU GET IN THE WAY. You need so much. You can’t even take care of yourself! I CAN'T take care of you. You wear your weakness like a badge, yet you seem strong because you are loud. Invasive! You force yourself on me, your feelings choke me, until i want to throw up. If I throw up, maybe I get rid of it and there will be nothing left. Then maybe I can catch my breath. You are filling me up with you and I can no longer feel me. I thought you were strong. at one time,long before you wrapped the cord around my neck and began to drag me down. But you are weak and you want me to be weak with you, so you can control because deep down you know I don’t need you. Every time your emotions show, they prove just how weak you really are. You need everything and I need nothing!!! Go away! Stay away! I have nothing to left to give!!!

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