Thursday, March 5, 2009

I need something~ I need someone

I knew that I things weren't going well this week. And I know that this process is cyclical - but today - I spent today trying to find myself. I have been lost this week, and I don't know where I've gone. I feel things inside of me that are trying to break out~ and if I give in to them~ I will once again find myself in a mess...useless to everyone, including myself. By mid-morning, I was overwhelmed, and I tried to brace myself, to focus on something other than the thoughts and feelings that were overwhelming me. I have been holding it together since the New Year, ignoring any negative thoughts, focusing on the positive~ I am trying so hard to 'emotionally regulate' - but underneath it all I am so broken and I don't know how to fix it. It takes so much energy to hold it together all week long that by Sunday I do not even have the energy to get dressed, forget leaving the house!

I make progress, or at least it seems like progress to me, for a few weeks but then once again, I have hit the brick wall~ and I lose all motivation and become frustrated with the entire process. It's not that I expect to click my heels together 3 times and be healed, I know it doesn't work that way...but this constant back and forth, and up and down for the past 3 years...I have nothing left to give. I have heard over and over and over again, "the process is slow~it will take years, you are making progress"....but it's impossible to live a normal life like this. I can't seem to put my finger on the trigger, I could feel the familiar pain and the hurt...and then I fall back into my old coping mechanisms, I find solace in them, I wrap myself up in the familiarity of starving myself, abusing the anti-anxiety and sleeping meds, puking out the pain...I haven't cut myself, but last night I wanted too - and it was the first time I have had that feelings since December. It scared me~ and yet I didn't reach out to anyone. What good would it have done? My friends would just say, "Grace, You've come so far, pull it together. You're stronger than this." Well, that is assuming they even answered my calls. And DT? I feel so distant from her that I wouldn't call her if I was standing on the roof trying to decide if I'm going to jump from the front, or the back, of the house.

The past several days have been difficult, even with the distraction of work, so I'm going to brace myself, because as hard as they've been, it's nothing compared to what the next few days are going to bring.

I'm not okay tonight. I need something, someone....I can't put into words how much it aches, deep inside my heart... Why does this happen? That everything seems to be okay and then suddenly, from no where, the bottom drops out and once again it starts all over again....the hurt, the pain, the feelings of hopelessness. I don't understand...but I don't feel safe tonight. I haven't felt safe all week. I feel like a frightened little girl.

But I can do this, I will be okay... there isn't another choice, is there?

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