Monday, March 2, 2009

Who opened the 'forbidden' box????

Today has been a rough day. It started last night and has proceeded into today.... I can't pinpoint a reason, it just "IS". I thought I had put everything in pretty pink box, tied it with a lavender bow and placed it in the darkest corner of my closet. Gone was the anxiety, fear, insecurity....and back was the confident, cute little cheerleader that everyone loves....
2-4-6-8! Who do we appreciate? Grace! Grace! GO Grace!

But alas, someone must have snuck into my closet, grabbed the box and taken off the bow, and proceed to spread all of the contents all over the floor...the floor of my house, my office, my's like legos....small little pieces that you don't realize are there until you step on them and pain shoots through your foot.

And so here I am, Monday evening, awaiting another DBT class that brings absolutely nothing to my 'healing' other than some humor. I've tried to tell DT and others that DBT is a waste of time for me. I'm sure there are many people who thrive in these classes, hell, the statistics show that to be true. But, I personally, think it's all based on philosophy and theology and full of contradictions. And I don't need to 'mindfully' peel an orange, or 'watch my thoughts'~ and I already understand the difference between a 'fact' and a 'judgement'~ frankly, I don't need any of this!

I learned a long time ago how to 'play the game'.... I've been practicing these lessons for a long, long, long time. I shut up, behave myself act and appear normal so as not to raise any questions. I don't need expensive classes to teach me that! Which, again, I have mentioned to my DT - but again, she doesn't HEAR me. No one in the MHP seems to listen....they just want to shuffle you around so they don't have to deal with the REAL problem, just "manage" the symptoms. You need a psychotherapist you can "talk" too ~ so you can have your "feelings" validated. You need a psychiatrist to put you on medication so you can be numb enough to discuss your feelings and not freak out when you are on the psychotherapist's couch. And you need worthless classes based on common sense to teach you to shut up and behave! As though I should be embarrassed by my past, and should only discuss it in the "safe container" of DT's office....I feel like I should wear dark glasses when I go there now.

Perhaps I should blame it all on the everything else. No one in the MH field listens because there's no money to 'teach' them to listen. "Lack of Funding" - when the budget was reviewed, the 'listening' was cut out of it. We all have to make sacrifices, you know.....

And, after all....
Children, and "emotionally disregulated" adults should be SEEN (well, as long as they cover up their scars) and not HEARD!

How's that for 'validation?

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