Thursday, March 5, 2009

Then and Now: All I do is "pray"

Nearly 11 years ago, my husband was having an affair with a woman he worked with. I heard about it from someone my office (very embarrassing way to find out) but I didn't approach him right away, instead I decided should find "proof" first.And so I began searching:
I looked through the cell phone bills and her number appeared many times a day, every day. I found evidence that she went with him on an overnight "trip" (he traveled frequently for work). I found a box of condoms in his car (I was pregnant with my son at the time- "we" obviously weren't using them). I kept an eye on that box, periodically counting them, noticing the change in the numbers.And I remember sitting in my home office late at night and praying, praying to GOD that it wasn't happening; that it was all in my imagination. And yet I didn't ignore what I saw, I just didn't want to "accept" it. Every night I was on my knees, begging God to give me a "sign" that it was really happening, that he was really having an affair. But I couldn't accept it, even with all I knew, with everything laid out in front of me, I still begged GOD to "fix" it- to make it NOT true. Imagine that? I’m on my knees every night begging to a God that NEVER heard me before, never *saw* me or helped me and yet, now, all I could do was pray. I continued to check the cell phone bills for probably a year. He even called her the day my son was born. What kind of man calls his "girlfriend" the day his son is born?There I was, standing in front of a huge black billboard- with the words "LOOKING FOR A SIGN FROM GOD? THIS IS IT", written in giant white letters that could be seen 5 miles away. And I was still praying, still unable to accept what was right in front of me. That's how I feel now, about my relationship with DT. Once again, I'm standing in front of that stupid billboard, and each time I *perceive* she is lying to me, invalidating me, abandoning me- I get on my knees, in front of that fucking billboard, and I pray for a sign that it isn't true. That what my brain is telling me I "SEE"- couldn't possibly be true because I don't want it to be true. So, here I am, nearly 11 years later, begging a God I'm not even sure I believe in to speak to my heart and tell me that none of it is true. That she wouldn't do that to me -that she dose care and it isn't true. Every single day…once again, all I can do is pray.

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