Thursday, March 5, 2009

The 5 Stages of Grief

There is no such thing as trust....I trust no one - no one! Call it "emotion" mind, call it "trauma reenactment" call it it whatever the hell you want to call it! I cannot give one single example where I 'allowed' myself to be put into a vulnerable situation and didn't end up getting 'screwed'. I'm not willing to do it again.
With respect to "the therapeutic relationship" with DT – I’m torn...see, there is a part of me that doesn't want to deal with the BS that is sure to occur during our next meeting (the reason I cancelled my appointment for today)- and the other part of me thinks I should just bite the bullet and get it over with.

In preparation for our next meeting, I've researched the stages of grief...
Five Stages Of Grief 1. Denial and Isolation. 2. Anger. 3. Bargaining. 4. Depression. 5. Acceptance.

I figure I'm already in stage 2... with respect to 'our therapeutic relationship'. I don't know how long the process will take until I completely "grieve" her out of my life....pretend she no longer exists, 'think of her fondly' and remember the 'blissful' meetings we had, and the support and care that she used to provide. I've found that stage number 2 can last a really long time. I didn't really "grieve" the loss of my father, or even my mother (I pretend she's dead a lot - it's easier that way)...but I find that I am 'grieving' the loss of DT. And I do see her, or should I say, "us" as past tense.
I'm not really sure about the 'bargaining' that works...I'm supposed to make a 'deal' with "GOD" about the loss of her? The depression thing - well, that's something I'm used too - so I'll get through that - especially with my 'drugs'.
Perhaps during our next meeting, she can let me know how long the 'grief' process takes and what I can expect...maybe 'prepare' me a little- because I am tired, like weary... bone tired, of this process... and maybe I over-reacted about the DBT thing - but I still don't think she’s being honest - I mean, she could have said, "Yes, I'm human, I accidentally mentioned it to “DBT group member - and couldn't (obviously) take it back at that point.... but keep in mind that it did occur before "our" discussion of moving forward." DBT group member did tell me that she thought DT mentioned it by mistake.... But instead, DT invalidated my feelings, my reaction, by telling me it's "none of my business".... just like "I have my reasons..." Human or not - each time she says something like that, it makes me feel smaller and more unworthy - it makes me feel like I don't matter, that she really doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings. I hear myself in her voice, I hear my mother her voice....and I'm done feeling that if there's no trust or honesty left.... then bring on the grief process -it has to be done sooner or later....I used to feel close to her, I used to feel like she cared- (well, in a 1-sided relationship kind of way)...I used to feel the way ‘DBT group member’ feels, when she said, "I LOVE HER", and she does, I could see it in her made me sad because I don't feel that way any longer. I do still care about her-I do appreciate the support she has given me....but "this" isn't good....and if it can't be fixed, if she can't be honest and real with me, then, well, I don't have to LOVE her, but I don't want to HATE her either...I don't want to feel about her the way I feel about my mother.

And yet, the little girl inside of me, the one who has been hurt so many times, and yet still longs to know what it feels like to ‘feel safe’ – still longs for the comfort of DT…and I have tried to convince her that it isn’t going to work – and she tries to convince me I am wrong.

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