I find myself standing before the gates of hell. It is here, in this place of fear and pain, that I must fight my battles and face my enemies. The smell engulfs me~ the stench of ignorance and glutting fill the air. The wind blows with the sounds of nothingness and you destroy who I was and I try to hold back who I want to be.
It is before the gates of hell I face you. My blood flows with each blow I allow you to make. My adrenaline pumps with each strike and contact. Vengefullness lingers in my heart. My body is hot while my skin is cold to the touch. With each thought I relive the pain you inflicted on me. I bleed from the wounds you made. My heart aches and my soul cries out.
I stand alone, here at the gates of hell. No one to have my back. No one to put you in your place. I stand alone to fight a battle I ignored for many years. Trying to erase the marks you left on my body. Trying to eliminate the scars you put in my memories. Blocking out the sounds when I said NO and you refused to hear me.
I stand here at the gates of hell; alone, cowering, crying, and searching for someone to hold me, to tell me all will be okay, to keep me safe, and help me up when I fall. Someone who will be there for me when I seek help.
It is at the gates of hell I throw my punches, scream my brains outs, and there is nothing but silence and emptiness. My punches make no impact, my screams have no sound. It is here at the gates of hell I stand.
My own personal hell.
It is before the gates of hell I face you. My blood flows with each blow I allow you to make. My adrenaline pumps with each strike and contact. Vengefullness lingers in my heart. My body is hot while my skin is cold to the touch. With each thought I relive the pain you inflicted on me. I bleed from the wounds you made. My heart aches and my soul cries out.
I stand alone, here at the gates of hell. No one to have my back. No one to put you in your place. I stand alone to fight a battle I ignored for many years. Trying to erase the marks you left on my body. Trying to eliminate the scars you put in my memories. Blocking out the sounds when I said NO and you refused to hear me.
I stand here at the gates of hell; alone, cowering, crying, and searching for someone to hold me, to tell me all will be okay, to keep me safe, and help me up when I fall. Someone who will be there for me when I seek help.
It is at the gates of hell I throw my punches, scream my brains outs, and there is nothing but silence and emptiness. My punches make no impact, my screams have no sound. It is here at the gates of hell I stand.
My own personal hell.
Though the pain of this post is palpable, it is also poetic the way you wrote it. I think you can really reach people with your words, your writing. Please consider yourself invited to submit this post to The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I think you really have something to share--but no pressure. I hope safe hugs are okay. ((((((((((Grace))))))))))
ReplyDeleteGrace, your posts and feelings of pain run so deep. You do have a way with words dear one. (((Grace)))
ReplyDeleteAs survivors we carry so much pain inside of us that few people are brave enough to stay and see. If they knew the depths of the hurt, they might run away like I sometimes wish that I could. Your words are very powerful in painting a picture of abuse. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteGrace - I read your post with deep empathy. Everyone needs to know that someone "has their back," that they are not alone; to be safe; to be held; to have hope!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for allowing us to use this heart-felt post for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I'm glad you're part of it.
ReplyDeleteJBR, Thank you for your continued validation and reassurance. I'm glad you're "here".
ReplyDeletePatricia, Thank you. I have spent many years running away...I'm now trying to "stay" and it's a daunting and daily struggle.
healandforgive,
Thank you for your comments and your empathetic support. I hold onto that flickering light of hope.
Marj, Thanks to you for your invitation and for support of all of the survivors out there. My writing is a way for me to say what I need to say ~ and your acknowledgement means a lot to me.
You are all gifts to me on this journey
~ Grace
Very powerful and well written. Glad you contributed to the Carnival.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kim,
ReplyDeleteI am also glad to have been a contributor...
~ Grace