Then & Now

Late at night, after my children are fast asleep, safe in their beds, and my husband is just entering REM sleep, I sit alone, in the darkness~ alone with my feelings, my emotions. And when I become overwhelmed, I wrap up in my favorite blanket, and hold a child's teddy bear, and I rock back and forth, while repeating, "I'm okay, I'm okay" over and over to myself. I do this in an effort to "comfort" myself.

When I was a little girl, I would wrap up in a blanket, hold my Mrs Beasley doll, and rock back and forth in an effort to comfort myself~ alone, in the darkness. Substitute the Mrs Beasley doll for the teddy bear and it's the exact same scene.

Then: Cry while being screwed by my stepfather, then cry after it was over, alone, in the dark~ comforting myself with a blanket and a doll.

Now: Cry while being screwed by my husband, never allowing him to see my tears. And then cry after it's over and he is fast asleep while I'm alone, in the dark~ comforting myself with a blanket and a silly stuffed bear.

It's no different now~ 30 years later ~ and it's no different.

I guess old habits die hard, don't they?