Wednesday, March 4, 2009

She will "COACH" me back into the room

I left a voicemail for my DBTC that I was hesitant to continue in DBT for several reasons. 1. I am BORED out of my mind when DBTC takes 20 minutes to explain a part of a 'module' to someone who just can't grasp it. Hello! Time is money! 2. I tend to interject humor and ask questions...okay...and cut up with another member of the group that I connected with (personality wise)- and a comment was made last week about the 2 of us not sitting together - which I felt meant that we were 'disrupting the class' and needed to shut up and behave! 3. A new 'intern' joined the group last week, and I noticed she was taking notes on a sheet of paper that had each group member's personal information on it. It made me feel unsafe. I wasn't asked prior to my info passed to a college student. And even though she 'said' she is bound by the same legal/confidentiality rules/laws, etc as DBTC - her 'words' did little to 'comfort' me or make me feel safe. No offense, she could perhaps be like mother Teresa but then again, she could be an alcoholic college student who likes to gossip after a night of drinking - how do I know? And I have serious trust issues, after being violated by not only members of my own family, but also members of the "mental health profession" who took an oath to "do no harm" and "patient/confidentiality" - and um, guess what? Words! Mean nothing! And as a result, I no longer feel safe in the group4. Last, but not least, I found out that another group member sees the same DT as I do and now I don't feel comfortable with that either.

So, this afternoon, DBTC left me a lengthy voicemail that she's happy I expressed my 'concerns' as she thinks at some point 90% of people question the process (I'm guessing that should tell her something!) and that I am speaking and acting from 'emotional mind'.... and that my 'emotional mind feelings' could actually be a 'breakthrough' for me in DBT if I will allow her to "coach" me back into the room. That I can have an "in my body" experience and learn that my "feeling is not fact. Which is a good thing.... to learn that I can 'feel' afraid and not get 'screwed' over by people. She went on to say that she never tells anyone that DBT feels 'safe' because it doesn't. BUT! It IS safe - and allows people to have a 'healing' experience, increased exposure to risk and still allow you to feel safe. That there is nothing 'we' can't work through (so she's going to stand on my shoulder?) And she doesn't want me to lose this "valuable' experience because a 'trauma' response is coming up.....

While I respect DBTC and she has made me 'feel' accepted and validated in the classes I have attended thus far....I still have to negate that whole 'feel afraid but know that I won't get screwed over by people'. Really? So the fact that I TRUSTED my parents, some friends, men I dated, a few MHPs and got "screwed" over EVERY SINGLE TIME! Sometimes literally, sometimes mindfully, sometimes, emotionally.... Why the hell would I BELIEVE that this situation would have a different outcome??????

Hello! I have trust 'issues' for legitimate reasons!
And although I appreciate your willingness to "coach me back into the room" I do NOT feel safe there -and I've learned from past experience that when you don't feel safe - there's usually a good reason.

"Come back into the room little girl, it's safe.... I promise I won't hurt you..."

Can someone tell me why I should "TRUST" that this situation will turn out differently?????

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