Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I killed her ~ with a razor blade ~ in the 'secret hiding place'

Tonight, CrazyBrain has metastastized into this huge fatal tumor.  Must cut her out of me after numbing with copious amounts of ketel one.
I fucking hate her!
I don't give a fuck if I am imposed with the death penalty!
It'll be worth it!

In the death of CrazyBrain- how do you plead?
Guilty, your honor - by reason of insanity!
** having major sui thoughts tonight.  As I see it- it will pass, or i will follow thru with them- either way is fine with me right now.


  1. Lynn, my dear friend, lynn...I'm a little drunk - and a bit high on ativan and seroquel - but still conscious, so clearly not high enough. See, as I'm sure you can understand I'm effing tired! TIRED! Fucking tired! And I'm sick and tired of staying alive becasue that's what everyone thinks I should do.
    What about what I WANT! For once! What about what I WANT?
    I want out! That's what I want! So fuck the "safety contracts" and the "I solomely swear I won't off myself in a fit of dissociative rage" contract. I don't promise anything!
    What can anyone else promise me? Can anyone promise to be here for me? To help me? No! They cannot! So I will NOT promise anyone anything!
    Quid pro quo!

  2. I feel the same way. The world has fucked me, so fuck the world. I would like to try and tell you not to harm yourself. But I have no good advice to give. I send what love and kindness I can.

  3. Hugs Grace.
    I hope you're safe today. I hope you're still here. Not what you want, but it's what I hope.


  4. Sometimes it looks like the best option.
    Later, I am glad I waited to see what else came along.
    If there is no later, that would be harder to do.
    I am committed to taking suicide off the table. There are too many other options out there.

  5. Grace, I feel very much the same way you do. And you know, I don't like the whole contract idea.

    I had someone hand me one of those on the first visit and it was my last visit with the paper crumpled on the ground.

    All we can do is take it one minute at a time.

  6. hold on girl...from someone who'se been there...in the darkness....living like a walking corpse...existing....begging to die...I survived...somehow..the scars covering my arms, my body...my soul...I survived. Hold on ok...in your corner. Sarah

  7. I don't like contracts, either. How exactly can someone with a disociative disorder promise not to do something in a dissociative rage without first being helped to do something about the dissociation? I've never understood that.

    I hope today was better. And yes, there is something I can promise you. I promise you that I love you and care very deeply about how you feel and what happens to you.

    Call me later if you like.

  8. Grace, I've been looking for you and leaving messages every way I can. I'm really getting worried now. Can you please get hold of me? What's going on there? Email me or call me back. PLEASE.

  9. ((((Grace))))
    Be gentle dear one.
    Here with you.

  10. Grace, I am still trying to contact you. I need to know whether or not you are alright. Please get in touch.

  11. Grace, I don't know where you are or if something has happened to you, but I am going to keep leaving messages until either your voicemail is full or until you let me know you are okay. Please call me or email me.

  12. Grace I am missing you. I ahve such problems keeping passwords. Hope you are doing ok. Love from my heart to yours. Paula

  13. I read this once before but didn't know what to say... I hope things are better, Grace. I hope you can learn to love every part of you unconditionally. That's what every child needs.

  14. Hold on. Sometimes those words seem empty, but it is all we can do.