Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The "usual" tonight, Gracie? No, tonight I'm ordering tranquility & calmnes...not anger, fear and sadness

I need a supersized combo of wisdom and quietness to wash over me this evening as I have been vacillating between “anger” and “sadness” and “fear” the majority of the day.

Anger both rational and irrational anger: directed at DT for her vacation, directed at the 5 year old baby who feels so needy and dependent on someone, angry at the constant arguing and changing all the time. Angry at my father for fucking me and beating me and angry at my mother for hating me and for letting it happen.

LOTS OF ANGER! But, it isn’t that intense, unable to breathe anger. Not right now.

Sadness: Sadness because I feel like I was never ‘good enough’. Sadness because my mother never loved me or protected me. Sadness because I’ll never have that, I’ll never “FEEL” what’s its like to be loved and protected by a mother. Sadness because I fear the irrational one in me will end up killing us and leaving behind my own children.

LOTS OF SADNESS! But, it isn’t constant sadness, it hasn’t reduced me to hiding under the covers today. I did cry at work for few minutes this afternoon, just overwhelmed – it passed. But the sadness remains. It’s like a bucket with a hole in it. I can fill the bucket with happy thoughts…and they leak out leaving an empty bucket of sadness.

Fear: So many nights I find myself frozen with fear. Fear of the memories, fear of the darkness, the nightmares. Fear of him. Today I fear the angry teenager will call DT and cancel our appointment when that’s the last thing that needs to happen. And DT has been very supportive…but no matter how many times we say that to her, she still will not believe it.

LOTS OF FEAR! But I didn’t hurt myself last night, and I do plan to actually get my crabby butt to bed at a decent time tonight. I told DH to “kindly coerce” me to go to bed when he does so I won’t stay up until the wee hours of the morning; reliving the past, drinking, popping pills, hurting myself. Not tonight. I haven’t slept all week and I’m really tired.

Tonight I’m ordering a supersized combo of tranquility and calmness…
and a side order of nightmare free sleep this evening.
Tonight I am breathing.

1 comment:

  1. I pray for a restful night's sleep for you!!