Monday, August 31, 2009

GPS is pointing me down the "Dead End Street of Self-Hatred"...

A bottle of white...a bottle of red...perhaps a bottle of rose' instead...… A bottle of red, a bottle of white...Whatever kind of mood you're in tonight… Thank you , Billy Joel for the prologue…

I am literally swarming with the urge to hurt myself tonight. My skin feels like bugs are crawling all over me. I'm barely breathing. Right now I am tense. I am frustrated. I am angry. I have a migraine. I feel out of control. I can’t breathe.

What do I hear? I can hear that stupid new Disney movie, Eloise at the Plaza, spoiled brat! I want to grab her by her spoiled blonde curls and hurl her from the Plaza hotel to the trailor park Stupid Disney movies…come on! How about a movie about “real life”! Argh!!!! I want to take 10 ativan and wash them down with a bottle of white & a bottle of red, but I don’t want to deal with the side effects tomorrow. But seeing that my head hurts already, I should probably refrain from adding bountiful amounts of sulfates to the never-ending ache. Breathe. I’ll give it an hour. I would think that if they can make glasses in about an hour, surely I can talk myself in from this ledge.

I just need to breathe. It’s that simple – freaking breathe!I’m sure I’m rambling now…I'm just trying to ride this out, “Ride the Waves,” isn’t that what you’d say? Well~ break out the surf-board DT – Grace has entered an episode of Hawaii five-O. We just need to breathe.

GD! Shut up about the breathing! I'm trying to breathe. God, my chest hurts right now. It feels tight, constricted – that’s why I can’t breathe! Okay.....think…what will help? I wish I could hear your GD voice right now! Tell me to freaking breathe! Remind me where I am! What the hell am I sitting on….I’m not hot or cold. But my freaking chest hurts! Should I add congestive heart failure to my already self-diagnosed bone CA with brain mets?

Still trying to not go down the “dead-end street of self hatred”…trying…trying…that’s all I can do, right? Try. Breathe. Trying to understand why? I seriously need to puke. And I want to cut myself. But instead I’ll go shut myself in the pantry and scream into a kitchen towel. I need an escape and I want to go away right the fuck now! From what? Frustration – anger – fear- no one listening to me? Is anyone out there? Nope – all I hear are the voices inside of me. Nothing else! Just the freaks inside of me who won’t shut up!!!!!!

I just have to “reason” with the frustrated unheard little one, yes? But I hate that whiny DFW brat and she can’t be reasoned with! WTH do I do to shut her up? A freakin’ glass of milk with ice in it??? Shove a Barbie doll down her throat? What?

I’m breathing…. Okay!....I’m freaking breathing! I am exhausted. I have zero energy - there are dishes in the sink and I’m too tired to do them (I’m sure DT thinks that’s actually progress- but I’m just saying tomorrow morning when I have to look at the filthy mess in my kitchen, I’m going to beat myself up about it).

I think I’m getting sick– “sick-er”!)


  1. {{{{{{Grace}}}}}}

    It's been a rough night here, too. So lonely and frightening and painful.

  2. I hope you're feeling better this morning.

    I'm thinking of you.