Monday, August 3, 2009

Do NOT make this about your *vacation*...

Dear Therapist,
Do not make this about your vacation!!
You say you understand my need to be angry this week.

Give me a break! Please!! So what? Gee, how am I going to get thru the week. DT’s on vacation. Whatever am I going to do with myself? Woe is me...

You ask me, "Well, Grace, what is your *plan* to get through next week while I am gone?"

OK, DT, let me tell you my plan: I'm going to do what I do every single minute of every single day!!! I’m going to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. And then I’m going to fight like hell to find some cohesiveness, a moment of peace, inside my messed up head. And perhaps that might include all the *maladaptive* stuff I do when you ARE in town and have made it clear that you're not available. (Including, but not limited, too: Tuesday afternoons/evenings, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday when you’re in session, Friday afternoons/evenings and every other weekend…oh, and any night AFTER 10pm)

Let’s face it, you don’t have a huge 'welcome Grace' mat out when you’re in town. How is your going out of town for a week any different than your working Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the hospital and not being available? How is it different? Because I’m not seeing a difference. It’s not like I have some fancy plan scrawled out on pink paper in my left-handed script to be carried out while you're out of town- let's face it- as we’ve both acknowledged, the girl is going to have suicidal thoughts- and it’s a crap shoot a lot of the time, and she doesn't know whether to “hit, stay or fold".

But that isn't any different than when you are in town... And why do you care anyway? It’s not like you cared last night- you weren't available then-remember- the "rules": Grace doesn't call DT when DT is working @ the hospital. No matter what! Grace works it out! You won't be available next week- big deal- it’s no different than last weekend, is it, when you were working Friday, Saturday and Sunday? So don't make my feelings and thoughts about your vacation! It’s not any different to me.

Please, DT…I see you 2 hours a week. That's a blip on the radar screen of the rest of my week, and yours too. And the rest of the 166 hours of each week, you don't think, "God, I should check on Grace"…and I'm clear on your "boundaries" and "limitations" as it pertains to your availability during those other 166 hours. And, I will add, you "graciously" send me 3 emails a week-which I appreciate, as I recognize you don’t have to do this, it probably isn’t in the normal scope of your practice, and it is helpful for me to have that “connection/support” – even though it is still very different than last year. So really, isn't the only difference the fact that you won't be emailing me while you're on vacation? I mean, other than that- I don't see a difference.

If I become "emotionally disregulated" and send you an email that I have "suicidal thoughts" next Sunday night how would that be different than last night? For real... If there's a difference you'll need to enlighten me- since I am apparently wearing a dunce cap right now. Because if I'm going to end my life, I'm going to do it whether you're in town or in France- but chances are, it will either be accidental, or a last ditch effort to end the pain.

Time to push the bird out of the nest, don't you think? Either fly, or fall to her death. I mean, really, what's there to "prepare"- we can talk about it all you want, but at the end of the day- when the darkness ascends upon me, "it is what it is". And when I am rational, sure I'll fight with everything in me to stay alive. And please don’t suggest that you’ll have your phone available (when you can) and that I can attempt to call you if I need too – because when I then tell you that the angry teenager won’t let me call you, you’ll invalidate her (just as you did last year) by telling her you don’t believe her, and she can pick up the phone. So, we both know that isn’t going to happen.

AND, let me not forget to add, it is not your responsibility to keep me alive, and if I can't "use the tools you've given me" then its "social Darwinism" isn't it?
"There by the grace of God go I"?
But do not make your vacation the center point of my “pain” and “anger”. It was there prior to your vacation, and I’m guessing it will be there upon your return.

I hope we can “agree” on that. My pain, fear, hopelessness…or any other emotion, or feeling, or thought that I have has nothing to do with your vacation!

This is not about you!

1 comment:

  1. Grace I am so glad you are able to get your frustrations and pain out with your DT posts! I am so very sorry for the endless pain you go through.

    Here listening to you dear one!