Monday, August 31, 2009

I am trying really hard not to hurt myself tonight...

You are stronger than you realize… I know that is encouragement, and I appreciate it so much. But sometimes I wonder if you have any concept of what happened then, and what goes on for me now. I mean, I know you know to the extent of what I tell you, how could you possibly know more than that, right? And I know that you know there’s so much I’m unable to talk about. Jesus – like you said, practically any mention of sex sends me right into the darkness. So much more. And I sit and wonder if I’ll ever be able to do it…to actually “talk” – and I don’t know the answer. So much more difficult to say than my younger brother used to eat sticks of butter at my grandparents house. So much more shameful and embarrassing. Things little girls shouldn’t do, or even know about. Terrible things that don’t even involve the evil SF –‘directly’- (she writes in a subtle way, that you may not be able to ascertain what I’m saying – again, you can only know what I tell you, right?).

I know you said it takes a long time, but what do I do in the meantime to deal with it all…the headaches, the nausea and puking, the nightmares, the body aches, the questions, the sadness, the fear….and on and on… I’m not asking for an answer to that question, I don’t know if there is one. (Do NOT mention anything resembling DBT or I will hang myself from the deck railing).

But just because I don’t speak these things aloud, doesn’t mean they don’t rattle around in my brain night after night. And how I wish I could just spew everything in my head out and lay it on the table, and then toss it all in the garbage like a dissected fetal pig.

When a little girl is raped night after night, by her father, at first the little girl cries and pleads for someone to help. But when the little girl’s mother ignores her cries, when no one will help protect her, and when the crying just makes things worse, the little girl just stops crying, and protesting, because she realizes no one cares. Yes, she becomes strong, very strong, she survives…but she feels void of all emotion.

I am trying really hard not to hate myself tonight.

1 comment:

  1. You remind me so much of myself, Grace. I hope you don't hate yourself.