Monday, August 10, 2009

DT doesn’t seem to be concerned about it ~ so I guess it really isn’t that serious

In my real life, there are very few people I trust with my thoughts and feelings. But I do have a close friend who never judges me for any thoughts, feelings, or even actions I take on those feelings. In my book when you witness your best friend consume copious amounts of alcohol and anti-anxiety meds and slit their wrists right in front you…and still remain calm and in control…well...that makes you trustworthy.

After the “voicemail” message DT told me about set in I decided to tell dear friend about it. I’m not sure why…I had no preconceived thoughts on what I needed from her. Maybe I told her out of fear. Maybe I told her because I am afraid it’s going to happen. Not in a psychic way, but in a: I do more and more harm that I’m not aware of doing. Be it emails, phone messages, SI…I do it, but it isn’t me. I don’t say it “isn’t me” in a deflection kind of way. And I don’t say it “isn’t me” in a child way…”Who spilled the kool aid on the carpet?”…”I don’t know. It wasn’t me.” I say it because I am not consciously present when these things happen. And I don’t know how to stop it from happening. And I can't get anyone to understand that at this point I cannot control who takes over...and it happens in the blink of an eye.

It isn’t as simple as DT seems to think:

DT: Grace, you can just go to bed earlier.
Grace: Um, not really, since I can’t get to sleep.

DT: Grace, you can tell that critical voice that you know she wants to protect you – but you promise you will keep yourselves safe.
Grace: What? Not really as the critical voice is my father’s voice and I don’t talk back to him.

DT: Grace, you can phone a friend?

Grace: Really? I used that lifeline already…and it doesn’t typically happen in a time I can phone a friend. Just as you chose to set limits, they do as well. And if they go to bed at 10, then there’s really no one to call, is there?

DT: Grace, you can call 911 or a suicide hotline.
Grace: Um, I’m told you a thousand times (perhaps more) that there is NO WAY I would do that!

Grace: DT, I am not trying to be defiant or argumentative, I’m just being *honest* and letting you know how it is in my REALITY.

So, back to the “Grace/Dear Friend” discussion last Friday:I told DF about the voicemail I left for DT and she expressed her concern. She said that we need to come up with a plan to keep “Adult Rational Grace in charge at night” and therefore eliminate the self-destructive behavior the others do when adult Grace is kicked off of the roost. Or, as she put it, “We need to find a way for Grace to stay present more.”
I told her all is well…DT doesn’t seem to be concerned about it (well, other then casually mentioning the phone call to me) – so I guess it really isn’t that serious.

*Shrugs Shoulders*


  1. Dear one, glad to see you back. I do know you go away and chill for a bit, but then pop up a couple of days later. I do the same.

    Gracie, I am so glad that you shared that you do have someone close that you can trust IRL who has been with you through the worst of times.

    I get you when you say, "....letting you know how it is in my Reality." Even that, is hard to explain when I have to.

    Always here listening.

    ((((Safe rocking Gracie))))

  2. Yes, she is a great friend. She literally saved my life one night. (altho - sometimes I still wonder why). Not many people would bandage your wrists when you cut them right in front of her. And to remain calm in the face of what happened that night...well, I am not worthy of her friendship, for real.
    Below is where I wrote about that night.