After the “voicemail” message DT told me about set in I decided to tell dear friend about it. I’m not sure why…I had no preconceived thoughts on what I needed from her. Maybe I told her out of fear. Maybe I told her because I am afraid it’s going to happen. Not in a psychic way, but in a: I do more and more harm that I’m not aware of doing. Be it emails, phone messages, SI…I do it, but it isn’t me. I don’t say it “isn’t me” in a deflection kind of way. And I don’t say it “isn’t me” in a child way…”Who spilled the kool aid on the carpet?”…”I don’t know. It wasn’t me.” I say it because I am not consciously present when these things happen. And I don’t know how to stop it from happening. And I can't get anyone to understand that at this point I cannot control who takes over...and it happens in the blink of an eye.
It isn’t as simple as DT seems to think:
Grace: Um, not really, since I can’t get to sleep.
DT: Grace, you can tell that critical voice that you know she wants to protect you – but you promise you will keep yourselves safe.
Grace: What? Not really as the critical voice is my father’s voice and I don’t talk back to him.
DT: Grace, you can phone a friend?
DT: Grace, you can call 911 or a suicide hotline.
Grace: Um, I’m told you a thousand times (perhaps more) that there is NO WAY I would do that!
Grace: DT, I am not trying to be defiant or argumentative, I’m just being *honest* and letting you know how it is in my REALITY.
So, back to the “Grace/Dear Friend” discussion last Friday:I told DF about the voicemail I left for DT and she expressed her concern. She said that we need to come up with a plan to keep “Adult Rational Grace in charge at night” and therefore eliminate the self-destructive behavior the others do when adult Grace is kicked off of the roost. Or, as she put it, “We need to find a way for Grace to stay present more.”