Monday, August 3, 2009

I don’t want to focus on the *feelings* of those left behind…not now, not tonight.

I think that life leaves your lungs first and your eyes last...
How does that old saying go:
'The Eyes are the Windows to the Soul'
Maybe that’s why life leaves last through your eyes. The soul leaves your body and then there is no life left in your eyes. And after death, once the soul leaves the body, your eyes look glassy and vacant. I find myself wondering; in that moment, right before death, when you KNOW you’re going to die, and there’s no hope of turning back the clock, is there a feeling of peace and acceptance?

I sometimes think my eyes have been vacant and lifeless for years. And even though my heart still beats in my chest, that through the years of abuse, he did kill me – but, now disconnected from my brain, my body just hasn’t realized it yet. And when it finally does…my broken heart will stop beating.

What are you thinking right now, Grace?

I’m thinking I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live.

I’m thinking I should call DT and see if she has openings on Wed too. But I can’t pick up the phone right now. Besides, it’s after 10, so the DT window is now “closed”. So it would only feel like “rejection” if I did call.

I’m not planning to do anything drastic tonight~ I’m just saying that it’s scary inside my head right now. I don’t know how else to say it. Unusual… it isn’t often that I find myself unable to translate the words inside of my head and put them on paper, even if I’m unable to speak them aloud. I don’t find that to be the case tonight.

Or maybe some things are better left unwritten.

1 comment:

  1. Dear one, I know the scary things inside your head are just that, "scary." As always, I am here listening and thank you for not SI tonight.

    Here with you