Wednesday, August 5, 2009

After 3 days of extreme turbulence, the captain has now turned off the fasten seatbelt sign...

Dear Therapist:

As I sit tonight trying to prepare for tomorrow’s session, I seriously need to know how to make it stop. See – I’m kind of a black/white girl…an all/nothing girl…a fix it now/or tumble into hell girl…but you already know that. I can change so quickly I don’t know who I am from one minute to the next. And something ridiculously trivial can set me off – and something big may not bother me at all. Yesterday was a horrible day…angry all day long – like the top of my head could blow off “angry” – like the anger that leads to irrational behavior and I can’t be here anymore anger.

And of course I didn’t sleep well. SHOCKER! Last weekend I thought, “perhaps DT may be right and I should keep a dream journal”. So I have been – but I’m not exactly sure what to do with the words on paper that represent my dreams. If that makes any sense at all. This morning, I woke up at 437am from another nightmare. One of those awful nightmares where you wake up and you have no idea if you’re 5 or 35 (ever have those?) and I woke up in physical pain. Like bad physical pain – chest constricted, hips hurt, cramps, and then to make matters worse, I went to the bathroom and there was blood! Yes –bleeding (not horrible – but enough!). WTH is that about? I have a DREAM and I’m bleeding? How the hell does one thing correlate to the other? Obviously it makes no sense! Like anything does these days. And really all my questions, at this point, are rhetorical – and I don’t expect an answer. And you know I can’t talk about sex or bleeding or any of that shit in your office face to face – which makes no sense at all –considering I’ve worked w/you for over 3 years AND you pretty much know more about me than anyone else. (just to let you know I’m trying to keep it PG right now – and have had to back-space out the “F” word several times already!). And I don’t even think I could bring IN the dream stuff and read it, or even have YOU read it, there, in your office. So…again, not sure what to do with it. Save it for later I suppose.

So the nightmare, and the physical consequences of the nightmare, led me to not want to get out of bed, so I didn’t. Which led to not showering (although I did think about that one…but ‘thinking’ was really standing in the middle of the bathroom tossing around the thought of drowning myself in the bathtub – then chucking the idea because someone would find me naked – and that would be embarrassing) which led to not eating or drinking for the day– because I couldn’t…see one thing leads to another.

Yes, I “realize” from a rational perspective (which, BTW, has just come over me within the past 30 minutes) that I am “punishing” myself in a ridiculous way since (rationally) it isn’t my fault. Which is why I wanted to come to your office today – because I guess, somehow, as freaking much as I HATE to even admit it – it still *whisper* feels safe to me. And (again – HATE to say this TOO!!!) when I feel panicked and like I’m going to lose it – dizzy, tunnel vision – about to puke – your voice can sometimes prevent me from toppling over the edge. Yes, I should be able to do that myself, but guess what? Can’t most of the time! And yes, I am scared out of my mind that something terrible, permanent, is going to happen to me while you’re away. There… I said it – it’s out there – and maybe that has played a part in the whole ‘out of control angry girl’…fear (?) But it does still does go on every night for me– whether you’re “here” or “not here”.

I swear this is the first I’ve actually felt in control of myself in like 3 days!!!! It’s like being on a flight and having turbulence for 3 hours, and suddenly, the flight is smooth and the captain turns off the seat belt sign – and you let out your breath and relax, while also staying on guard- because you have no idea how long it will last. (That’s the best way I can describe it).

But seriously, I cannot ‘reason’ with the critical one – she is the internalized voice of my father and she is not to be fucked with – she is to be obeyed. If she isn’t obeyed, believe me, there would be dire consequences. I’m sorry I flipped out about your suggestion, I realize now that you were just trying to help me. But seriously, DT, I don’t care what anyone says, that’s like offering a Spongebob band-aid to someone who’s been shot in the chest at point blank range. I need to know what to do to stop the bleeding - and it can’t be a load of hand-holding, daisy picking, eco-friendly, non-preservative eating BS! And, again, I will not take advice from the flying nun who has NO idea what it is like to be abused and unloved by her PARENTS!

And I’m telling you now, that my father should be thankful he’s dead – and I hope there’s a special place in the pit of hell for satanic, child-abusing, cowards like him! And, as for the host body…she had better be on her knees, praying, that I never release my wrath on her! Because the venom I could spew from my mouth, the unfathomable horrors I would make HER relive!!! She’d better pray I stay 1200 miles away! Or she’ll be sorry! And I don’t give a sh** what *happened* to her in the first 7 years of her life – that does NOT make it okay!!! She was supposed to be my MOTHER and she FAILED miserably at that job! So take the “F” from my forehead and shove it up HER ass! I will NOT forgive them. EVER! I will always HATE them! Forever!!!! I hate them! And someday she’ll be rotting in hell right next to him!

I’m sorry angry girl has chapped your ass this week.

~ Gracie

P.S. I don’t care of you live happily ever after – but please don’t move to the mountains with no cell/internet reception. That wasn’t me who said that.

P.S.S. I can buy my own Spongebob band-aids…that wasn’t me either.

Tomorrow, I will listen and try to understand the pain that you endure each night, if that is what you want to bring to session. I want you to also understand that we need to function as a "team" as you fight through the emotional and physical pain. I cannot do it for you (yes, I know you know this), and I am not "leaving you" for good (be it a vacation or otherwise), I think it only fair that you continue to make every effort to do the same (ie. SI/SIB). We can talk tomorrow about how best to to help "get you through" the next week. I know you are fighting it with all your strength and you are exhausted. I know that you are attending to not only your family responsibilities, but also the many conflicting "parts" inside of you. This is a h*** of a lot of work. I too, need to attend to my family relationships (out of state) and I know that the reasonable part of you understands this. Let’s see if we can create some agreement of safety and maybe self care when we meet tomorrow.
Thank you for also sharing the "rational" appreciative part of you this evening in combination with the other, just as valid feelings and thoughts this evening.
Hang in there dear. See you tomorrow at noon
Dear Therapist


  1. Turbulence is an understatement!

    Dear one, I am just so very sorry for the continued nightmares and terror you live day in and day out!!

    Would not be a bad idea to continue that dream journal. Do not worry if the words do not make sense. They do. You just do not see it. When you feel the time is right Grace, bring the journal in to DT.

    I have been seeing a lot of critical Grace more frequently these days in her writing here. Glad other Grace was able to gain control back.

    Sitting, listening and gently rocking with you.

  2. Hi Grace,

    I am here listening. I hear the pain you are in. Thankful the turbulence has stopped.

    Blessings and Safe Hugs,


  3. I'm sorry about the nightmares and the turbulence before it.

    My therapist has just started a vacation too and I hate feeling any need for her, but I do. I won't see her for two weeks which seems like a long time to me. I'm have a part that's insanely angry but she's staying hidden--I don't want anyone to tell me to regulate my emotions or anything!

    I always hate it when people suggest the warm and fuzzy coping strategies. They just don't do it! They don't have the charge I'm looking for.

  4. JBR ~ I KNOW!!! Understatement FOR SURE!! Nearly a 'crash' but I didn't want to go quite that far. Every tinme I breathe a sigh of relief- the shit hits the fan AGAIN!

    Thank you, Tammy...the whole process is so draining. You get like 2 minutes of breathing to prepare for 3 days of HELL.

    eeabee, sux. I'm sorry your T left for a 2 week vacation. I hate it too! Especially since I have NEVER depended on anyone and I hate that feeling! I'm glad your angry part is staying away for now. Whenever DT goes out of town (for me) I'm either angry girl or tough girl takes over...and, of course if I hold it all together - I fall apart when she gets back! It's like she's my mother leaving me at daycare and I cry when I see her again - like *SHE CAME BACK*!!! *sigh*

    Anytime anyone suggests *tea* or any of the *mindful* DBT crap, it instantly has the opposite effect on me! Once, I tried to "mindfully" study an orange and 'disappeared' into hell for over an hour!
    Marsha Linehan can "mindfully" study my dissociative ass for an hour!