And of course I didn’t sleep well. SHOCKER! Last weekend I thought, “perhaps DT may be right and I should keep a dream journal”. So I have been – but I’m not exactly sure what to do with the words on paper that represent my dreams. If that makes any sense at all. This morning, I woke up at 437am from another nightmare. One of those awful nightmares where you wake up and you have no idea if you’re 5 or 35 (ever have those?) and I woke up in physical pain. Like bad physical pain – chest constricted, hips hurt, cramps, and then to make matters worse, I went to the bathroom and there was blood! Yes –bleeding (not horrible – but enough!). WTH is that about? I have a DREAM and I’m bleeding? How the hell does one thing correlate to the other? Obviously it makes no sense! Like anything does these days. And really all my questions, at this point, are rhetorical – and I don’t expect an answer. And you know I can’t talk about sex or bleeding or any of that shit in your office face to face – which makes no sense at all –considering I’ve worked w/you for over 3 years AND you pretty much know more about me than anyone else. (just to let you know I’m trying to keep it PG right now – and have had to back-space out the “F” word several times already!). And I don’t even think I could bring IN the dream stuff and read it, or even have YOU read it, there, in your office. So…again, not sure what to do with it. Save it for later I suppose.
So the nightmare, and the physical consequences of the nightmare, led me to not want to get out of bed, so I didn’t. Which led to not showering (although I did think about that one…but ‘thinking’ was really standing in the middle of the bathroom tossing around the thought of drowning myself in the bathtub – then chucking the idea because someone would find me naked – and that would be embarrassing) which led to not eating or drinking for the day– because I couldn’t…see one thing leads to another.
And I’m telling you now, that my father should be thankful he’s dead – and I hope there’s a special place in the pit of hell for satanic, child-abusing, cowards like him! And, as for the host body…she had better be on her knees, praying, that I never release my wrath on her! Because the venom I could spew from my mouth, the unfathomable horrors I would make HER relive!!! She’d better pray I stay 1200 miles away! Or she’ll be sorry! And I don’t give a sh** what *happened* to her in the first 7 years of her life – that does NOT make it okay!!! She was supposed to be my MOTHER and she FAILED miserably at that job! So take the “F” from my forehead and shove it up HER ass! I will NOT forgive them. EVER! I will always HATE them! Forever!!!! I hate them! And someday she’ll be rotting in hell right next to him!
I’m sorry angry girl has chapped your ass this week.
P.S. I don’t care of you live happily ever after – but please don’t move to the mountains with no cell/internet reception. That wasn’t me who said that.
Tomorrow, I will listen and try to understand the pain that you endure each night, if that is what you want to bring to session. I want you to also understand that we need to function as a "team" as you fight through the emotional and physical pain. I cannot do it for you (yes, I know you know this), and I am not "leaving you" for good (be it a vacation or otherwise)....so, I think it only fair that you continue to make every effort to do the same (ie. SI/SIB). We can talk tomorrow about how best to to help "get you through" the next week. I know you are fighting it with all your strength and you are exhausted. I know that you are attending to not only your family responsibilities, but also the many conflicting "parts" inside of you. This is a h*** of a lot of work. I too, need to attend to my family relationships (out of state) and I know that the reasonable part of you understands this. Let’s see if we can create some agreement of safety and maybe self care when we meet tomorrow.
Thank you for also sharing the "rational" appreciative part of you this evening in combination with the other, just as valid feelings and thoughts this evening.
Hang in there dear. See you tomorrow at noon