Grace, I hope that this week has provided you a bit more solace from the evening hatred and loneliness. Sorry if the last email was a bit too spiritually oriented. Essentially, it was just another "cognitive" intervention (psych lingo) in a spiritual framework, designed to keep you asking questions to better understand the pros, cons and meaning, etc. of engaging in ultra harsh self denigration. I realize right now it may feel like there are some pros to this....but just want to keep looking at these things....DT
WTF does that mean? “pros to engaging in ultra harsh self-denigration”... Does that mean I “attack my own character or reputation” Are you saying I am criticizing myself on purpose because I want to feel bad???? Yes, DT…I CUT myself on purpose! I drink myself into a non-feeling stupor, and take too many ativan and seroquel because I want to die…YES!!! GOD!!! You’re so “insightful”… I didn’t even realize it until you just said that, but YES! I rubbed a Buddha belly on Monday and I’ve been HEALED!! Now I couldn’t love myself more! And I “love and cuddle” the “little Grace” (you know, the 5 year old DFW!) she’s so sweet and innocent… NOT!
Gee, I’m so sorry I’m not as “well adjusted” and full of “self-love” as you are. Here’s the deal: when you’re told that you’re “worthless” and “lazy” and “hated” your entire childhood – you actually begin to believe it’s true!!! And I don’t think the spiritual Buddhists are going to “heal” me into self-love with their “3-doors” BS! But, again, I stand firm on my affirmation that I’ll rub a Buddhist's belly a million times before I’d go back to DBT!
I’m sure when you wrote the above; your well adjusted, self-loving confident, educated, gorgeous, witty…full-fucking package self…was just trying to be helpful, “in the limited ways that you can” (addendum to be added to each phrase the great and powerful DT mutters, as of July 2008). And thanks for the 10 word email too…as you were probably running out the door saying, “Shit, that inconvenient self-hating, high-maintenance, terminally mentally ill, patient may actually kill herself if I don’t follow through and send her an email as I agreed to do on Mon, Wed & Friday..(we both remember what occurred the last time you “forgot”).
You know, I find it ironic that even though you have said (on several occasions): “I realize that just because you are limiting and censoring the nature of your emails, does not mean that you are feeling or doing any better.” And “ I know that when you are not in a "cry of distress' to me (as you have put it), you are hurting and struggling.” And, “. I know that when you don't email or call is not always an indication that you are "doing ok".”
REALLY??? Because I haven’t emailed you all week, and it appears as though you’ve forgotten already!!!! That’s unreal! You think because I haven’t “emailed” you all week that I haven’t thought of killing myself every single night??? Oh, contraire', DT!
And, again, let me state, that I KNOW what my ultimate “demise” will be, I accept it…and I hope you are insightful enough to know, that when it happens, it will not be a shock to you! As I have told you 1000 times (probably more), eventually, it will happen! Eventually, the pain will become too great and it WILL end for me! Be it tonight, or tomorrow, next week, next month. It WILL happen!
But you go ahead and keep your “pink-tinged” glasses on DT…and see what you want to see…but don’t be “surprised” if, sometime soon, I neglect to show up to an “appointment” because I’m NO LONGER HERE! You are UNBELIEVABLE! But of course, it makes it easier for you…which is why I’ve stopped emailing you. No need for you to “work off the clock” after all you get paid by the “hour”. (Again, I adapt well to the "needs" of others...even YOU). So, go ahead and believe what you want to believe. I’m already dead. Just because I don’t email you, or call you, or cry out for you, like I have done for the past 3 years…doesn’t mean I’m any better…I’m still dead. You just don’t know it!
Just when I think you may actually "get it" - you say something completely asinine! So, I see your spiritual BS and I raise you 3 vodka shots (Belvedere, of course - only the best!), 6 ativan, and 2 razors! You wanna "fold" yet?
P.S. "All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there.” Jalal ad-Din Rumi ...just a quote from your "spiritual hero"...(Yes, I intend to end up there too!)
((((Gracie))))
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry.
With you here listening.
JBR, I tend to freak out when I see something that feels "invalidating" to me in her emails. Of course, all us "us" just pick things apart to "searching" for any sign of abandonment and a reason not to trust.
ReplyDeleteThese are the emails I used to send to DT directly. I'm trying real hard not to email her, especially this. I don't do it "consciously" but it still happens. I can't explain it other than saying it isn't a rational me who writes this. I've written some other "crazy" posts...some I'll go back and delete.
...I don't know...I feel lost every single night...
Gracie, thank you for sharing. I know it is hard. Here listening with your dear one.
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