Sunday, August 16, 2009

Fumbling in the darkness...

There's a heaviness in my heart- something is trying to happen far away within a part of me I don't remember how to find. I feel lost and I'm just wandering around within my mind, waiting. Wishing for someone to tell me what to do and how - but I am on my own with this. So I write about it, because that's what I now know how to do. And the writing, it soothes me and teases me out of my own thoughts. So much hurt and anger.

Everything around me, and the very fact that I have to go on, whispers to me of my own failure and horribleness as a human being. I know all that I tell myself is not true. I could name a dozen things that make me a good person, but this is not the kind of thing I can just stop and tell myself, “Grace, be thankful and happy.” If there is a switch I can flick I’m unable to locate it and turn it off.

I see myself as a child. I see a little girl sitting in a dark corner, hugging her knees and trying to be as small and "out of the way" as possible. When she looks at me, her eyes are full of a terrible anger- rage, really- and pain. She is scared. I have never seen myself so dark. But she is undeniably me, and she must have existed during that time of my life. I have ignored her, I chose to ignore her because she did not fit the image I held for myself. She makes me think about everything that happened to me. So pain and hurt. She was rejected, never good enough. She was insulted, ridiculed, hated, ignored, abused, and coerced. The pain from it is unspeakable. I try to list the things my mother and step-father said to me- did to me- not to relive the memories but to acknowledge the suffering I never could when I was actually going through it. I try to describe the pain and it's so overwhelming that no words will come.

I suppose there is no way, no road map, nothing but fumbling in the dark. I am so tired of walking this road alone. I am not tired of the pain and anger; they are mine- a part of me. But where do I go from here? So many people…they all say different things, no one agrees on anything. How do you know if you’re right or wrong? How do you know if you hurt or don’t hurt, or even if you have the right to hurt?

It’s dark now, the night, the darkness… its killing me! I can’t sleep, when I try I dream. The ativan, the seroquel, they don’t really help anymore. And I’m so tired all day long. I’m really not sure how much more of this I can take.

I think, “Grace, reach out to DT. Email her…call her…don’t let it end like this. But I know it’s Sunday – and DT is not going to email Grace on Sunday. Nor is she going to call Grace back on Sunday. DT is working at the hospital….so work it out Grace. DT doesn't care about Grace on Sunday's --- that's the "RULE"

So, grab the razor, reach for the broken glass….let’s have a look at the badness that resides inside of you. Get it out, Gracie, let it out. That’s a good girl…watch the blood flow out of your body. It’s bad! It’s evil! It’s part of them.

You deserve to die! Do it already! Just do it! We hate you!

No comments:

Post a Comment