"Well, why do you think it went away?" ...DUH! Excedrin!

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being complete waste of my time and money, and 10 being – WOW! I feel like this was an hour well spent….today’s session was a -3.

I was still pissed off about the “…it may feel like there are some pros in engaging in ultra harsh self denigration” comment DT made on Wednesday, so I really didn’t feel like talking today. I didn’t feel like going at all but I didn’t really have a choice since it was too late to cancel.

Following a few moments of silence, that uncomfortable kind of silence of sitting there, starring at each other, wondering who will be the first to speak…
DT says, “How are you feeling?” (WHAT?)
“Physically, how are you feeling?” (again, WHAT?)
Realizing she expected me to answer, I said, “Never better.”
She decided to start again, “I mean how are you feeling? How is your head, stomach, have you been nauseous, vomiting, are your hips hurting, how is your back?” WHAT?
“Same Shit ~ Different Day, DT.”
After she glared at me, I added, “I had a headache this morning, but it’s better now.”
“Why do you think that is?” …Um, because I took some Excedrin maybe?
Sweet Jesus! I thought she was more interested in my “mental health” not my “physical health”. I found myself looking around because I thought I had perhaps ended up in my primary care docs office, rather than DTs.

This is not the ‘typical’ DT line of questioning. I’m guessing that perhaps that might be because I haven’t emailed her how I’ve been “feeling” which is atypical of me. Typically, I send her at least 1 email a day. And that’s on a *normal* day…god forbid the child or angry teenager break loose because then it’s more like the borderline billion! The stubborn one will not let anyone email her…and truly, it’s not like she’s noticed, as I’m sure we are a HUGE high maintenance inconvenience to her. I still miss the ‘old’ DT. But she’s never coming back, so we settle for this one…the one who ‘imposed’ all the limitations and boundaries when HER life changed. So since she isn’t going to respond to my emails, even when I ask for her help, then why bother????
“So, Grace, how does that make you feel??”

D-E-F-E-A-T-E-D and like I don’t matter

I did tell her that I fell asleep last night outside on my deck, and when I woke up I was disoriented that I had no idea where I was and I was scared. Her response: Well, you were tired. Um, no, DT, I’m pretty sure it was because of the 4 ativan, 50 mg of seroquel…and the bottle of wine I drank to wash them all down with. Since I ate nothing all day long, the drugs and alcohol knocked my ass out! Eventually my nightly ritual is going to have dire, perhaps even fatal consequences…and she says, “Well, you were tired.”

So even though my hips have been hurting so bad I can barely move some nights, even though I have had a headache every single day for 2 weeks, and I can’t sleep or find any comfort at night…I was silent. I desperately wanted to tell her how much it hurts, how afraid I am that I’m going to die…I wanted to scream at her, “Do you realize how much I don’t want to be here anymore? How much I want to disappear?” I wanted to tell her that I feel like she lied to me because OBVIOUSLY she does think I’m better since I haven’t emailed her. Because she can’t hear me right now. I don’t know why.

I felt like she wasn’t really focused today, like I was inconveniencing her for even being in her office. It was very unproductive.
“Do you have to be productive every minute of every day, Grace?”
Well, when I’m paying a hundred bucks an hour, yes. What do you want to do, watch the latest chick flick?
And then she would say, “Grace, it’s your time, I welcome you to bring what you want to bring to session. And what you choose to bring to session will best allow me to better understanding you...as this affords 2 way real time communication and clarification, etc. “

Yeah, whatever! I “choose” but I have to “choose” from the MENU offered. And right now, the “Transparency/vulnerability” entrée isn’t being “offered”. Why? Because I feel unheard and like she doesn’t care!

DT recently said, “I know that there are many, many nights in which you see yourself with very few options to "get through the nights", so I simply want you to remember that I have not forgotten this. “

I hope you still remember writing that, DT, because I suspect you hate surprises as much as I do...