Sunday, August 2, 2009

Mirror~ Mirror ~ on the Wall...

My mother hated me. My biological mother, who carried me inside of her body for 9 months, told me she never wanted me. She told me she never would have kept me but her mother (my maternal grandmother) *made* her keep me. My mother didn’t name me, my grandmother did…”Grace”.

As a child I could feel my mother staring at me. I could feel the condescension in her eyes, like heat from a log that has been in the fireplace for numerous hours…her hate branded me like a hot poker. And I used to stand in front of the mirror, staring at myself, wondering why she hated me. I wanted to know what she saw that made me so unlovable. I had an older brother, she loved him…there must be something wrong with ME.

And I studied my face in that mirror…so many years ago. What made me unlovable? I saw what she saw~me~ so what was it? Was it the blonde curly hair? Maybe she didn’t like little girls with blonde hair – her own hair was red, my brother’s was brown. Was it my blue eyes? She and my brother both shared eyes of green. What did she see? Maybe it’s because I’m left-handed. Everyone else uses their right hand. What is it that makes me so horrible that my own mother hates me?

Then one day, when I looked in the mirror, I saw what she saw and I finally understood. I looked into my own blue eyes and I hated myself as much as she did. And on that day I started to believe she was right. I was unlovable.
DT tells me that I did deserve love, and it wasn’t my fault~ that I was not bad.
“Grace, you are worth everything and more, which your mother was incapable of seeing and knowing.”

"Grace, you are mad at your mother for not saving you from the pain and abuse. She deserves your anger, not you. You needed her and she wasn't there for you. You are worth everything and more..... I am here ...I am going nowhere and you will not push me away or make me hate you. I understand when you allow yourself to need and ask for nurturance, your impulse is to fear abandonment, rejection and shame and therefore "hate yourself". You can let go of this....."

“Grace, your self-hate is really the hate that your mother deserved for not protecting, soothing and loving you. Give ME your hate - because I am not making the pain go away. I won't go anywhere if you do. Trust me.”

I am no longer that little girl who’s mother couldn’t love her. I am a grown woman who is trying to love myself. And I still spend time, in front of that mirror, trying to see in myself what the kind people surrounding me see. How could the two be so different?

I see this woman in the mirror, a reflection of myself, but I can’t “feel” her. How do I learn to “feel” her? (Rhetorical question ~ I’m not expecting an answer…)

To the Mirror:

I am Grace.

My name is Grace.


  1. Well, Grace, I am so very happy to meet you!! You are certainly a brave person that did NOT deserve what you did growing up!!!!!

    Grace, I am right there with you in understanding exactly what do people see differently and positivily about myself that I cannot see??

    Grace, "feelings" will take some time. You have been hurt terribly!!

    Grace, you have NO idea how much I can relate to you!

    The pain and lack of feelings you have shared, and even in your past posts, and the struggles now with acceptance of yourself I so can relate.

    Dear one, I know it is a struggle for you to even think about God! We view our earthly father as how God is! I certainly know, by what I have read here just how evil your father was to you and we tend to project this onto God. If somewhere in your broken heart you can just find a little bit of room to see God is not like your earthly father, and that He does care tremendously for you, then that is a start to trust. Even if it is only God you trust!

    Grace, do not feel pressured by my comment here. My intention is not not push you in any way. Just want to share as much as I can even from my damaged heart, that there is someone Bigger that truly does love you unconditionally, and that is God.

    ((((Safe Hugs))))

  2. I thought we met a long time ago … No one IRL *gets me* - they don’t know me, not like DT or my “blog pals”…even DH doesn’t really understand, although – he tries and is very supportive.
    Ah…The sordid topic of God. Like Trust. You know what the hard part is of acceptance, from a Godly perspective? The fact that I prayed every single night for God to help me but he never answered. Not for 12 years. And believe me, I still pray every single night…on my knees! Even now.
    I know I’m blessed in my life now. I do . And I know that you aren’t trying “preach” to me. I want you to continue to share as you feel it in your heart (your ‘undamaged’ heart ). It’s just hard. It’s hard.
    Thank you for caring. It touches me, your words… ~ Grace