Saturday, August 1, 2009

“For someone who claims I make her feel safe, you sure do spook easy when I’m there.”

Thursday night I kept waking up and I thought DH was awake too…I swear I heard him get up several times – but he says he didn’t. I doubt I even fell asleep long enough to dream. I woke up around 3am and I felt something on my thigh. The little girl started screaming, “Who is touching me? Someone’s touching me!” Panic set in…I could feel my heart beating in every nerve ending in my body and I opened my eyes but I couldn’t remember where I was. I tried to focus on the ‘grounding techniques’ I learned (that NEVER work). What is my address? What is my phone number? I can’t do it. It’s dark!! I’m scared! DON’T TOUCH ME!

I can hear DH talking to me, “It’s me, DH. It’s my hand. I’m touching you.” I could hear him, but at this point, I’m too far away from my body and I can’t bring myself back. I can’t process what he’s saying to me and I can’t bring myself back. I’m lost in the past world and I’m petrified of the feeling of the hand on my thigh.

The terror finally leaves me and I slowly figure out that I’m not a little girl, I’m an adult, and it’s not *his* hand touching me, it’s my husband’s. After he fell asleep, I was still distressed and I could feel the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. Vacillating between sadness and anger for the rest of the night… unable to go to sleep~ unable to find comfort in my body~ unable to rationalize that I was safe.

Friday morning, DH said to me,For someone who claims I make her feel safe, you sure do spook easy when I’m there.” I don’t understand~ why can’t my husband touch me without me feeling like I’m a child again, and it’s not DH, but *HIM* touching me again! And my poor husband is wondering why I’m scared of him.

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