Thursday, August 27, 2009

I have rolled out the welcome mat and made hors d'oeuvres for the numbness I feel right now, hoping it will stay awhile.

I have had a headache since I left DT’s office early this afternoon. But I don’t feel “crazy” right now. DT says I’m not crazy, when I tell her I know she thinks I’m crazy, but she just won’t admit it, she says, “I will, again, disagree with your notion that I too think that you are "crazy". I realize that it feels this way in your mind at times, especially when you have competing beliefs or thoughts that conflict with one another.” But for tonight, I will agree with her. Other than my dull aching head, I feel numb tonight. Which is okay with me…MORE than okay. I have rolled out the welcome mat and made hors d'oeuvres for the numbness, hoping it will stay awhile.

I pulled the typical “GRACE” move, and cancelled my T appointment for today, stating that I’ve shut myself down from all feelings. Nothing will help, so what’s the point? A waste of both mine and DT’s time. Why bother? I told DT yesterday not to send me any Pollyanna, pink-tinged, sunshiny “cheerleader”…”you’re not crazy and you’re going to be “ok” bullshit, because it isn’t true and I’m sick of hearing it!

So last night, DT said, “Re: your cancelled appt tomorrow and your week thus far as you have described in the last two days of email..... I understand that your work pressures and the like are paramount...and the need to cancel your appt may be necessary. I also hear that your frustrations with how you still feel during and/or after sessions leave you questioning the usefulness of sessions and the desire to request a reschedule. Your decision to shut yourself down to anything helping is ultimately your decision....however I think that this comes from a place of exhaustion and desperation. I am not sending a "pink Pollyannaish cheerleading" email.... You can do and have better for yourself and there is hope...I hope that you can hear this with the intention of direct care and concern....I will be continue to be here to encourage you and help you recover and dry off through the storms.”

She is right…so I rescheduled for a time she had available this afternoon. And I’m glad I did. Like I said, she’s always right, I just don’t always see it at the time (but don’t tell her I said that…don’t want her thinking she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread – even though I think she is…definitely is- to continue to put up with all of our shit!) I do love that woman, well, parts of me do. She tells me that I have never trusted because it’s a way I’ve always survived. And that’s why I keep looking for things in “our” relationship that will lead to my not trusting her, my accusing her of lying, etc.
She said she would never lie to me, I reply, how do I know that?

I want to believe her, but it's SSOOOOOOO hard.


  1. I relate to this so much. It's so tough to trust--feels terrifying to even try. I love my T in many ways and yet it's so hard when she's right about something--not that I'm exactly admitting that she is, but she is, and that seems to mean that I'm wrong and therefore shouldn't exist and how can I be so wrong when she puts up with so much. . .that's the way it unfolds in my mind anyway.
    Oh well.

  2.'s like a moment (or more) of this rebellion, and then suddenly you realize she does "know" you - and does care...and you don't want to accept it. But then you do and you feel HORRIBLE for what you've put her through :-(

  3. Gracie, I am glad you rescheduled and trusted DT! I know it is hard, but you were able to do it, so you can dear one!! Proud of you!!!

  4. Thank you, JBR, I'm glad too.
    I seem to have some sort of strange cycle of feelings that follow T appts.
    Monday's I leave Angry - and Thursday's I leave trusting and feeling like she hears me and cares.
    Hum...something to think about, I guess...I don't really understand...

  5. I'm too disconnected to read, but I'll be back. The title jumps out at me on this one.