Thursday, August 27, 2009

I survived! And I never have to live this week again!

I made it through the week of torrential rain and now I've had an afternoon & evening of sunshine and flowers. Okay, maybe "sunshine & flowers" is a tiny exaggeration, but it sure feels that way tonight! It has been a week of, well, hell. And I know DT has been frustrated as well, since I'm sure when I find myself in these dark places, feeling like there's nothing to live for...she feels kind of helpless too. I am SURE I am her most challenging patient. But, just think, if we both survive this, I'll probably be her biggest success, too.

I spent the weekend in physical turmoil, and then began the week in an emotional state I was unequipped to handle. This lead to the usual self-destructive pattern of not eating, drinking, abusing my anti-anxiety meds, SI and contemplation of ending all of it.

I can breathe tonight! That may seems like such a strange thing to say to a *non-crazy* person, but believe me when I say, it has been difficult to just BREATHE these past few days. And breathing took all of my energy. Of course it was a crazy week at work, too. BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. And I had a difficult time focusing on the tasks I needed too. Thankfully, no one noticed. Except for me....

And the psycho-co-worker tried his shit again this week! Shame on me for trying to be "professional" to him. Since we had visitors in the office, I thought it best not to show how much he made my skin crawl. But, apparently, to him, being professional, is an invitation to cross my boundaries! So he sends me this email, "I miss our interaction, a lot. I will seek u out next week. If u can't that's ok. All I ask is 100% honesty on whether u can or not. I miss u as a friend. If you can't or won't I will understand and accept. I am not doing well without you, esp now." OMG!!!! I don't understand how he cannot get it! I hate him! I've tried to communicate that I want nothing to do with him a thousand times. AND a close friend of mine told him as much too. And then he sends me this message? And of course it fucked me up, boundary-crossing-fuckhead set off a trail of anxiety that led to a migraine and paranoia for the entire day! (AGAIN!!!)

And, again, I started thinking about how he is such a freak, he'll probably completely lose it and end up killing me, which, in my distress this week, I was actually hoping that would happen. So the "beat up Grace" voice started in on me...."Grace, what did YOU do to make him behave this way? It's your fault he is doing this. YOU obviously did something to provoke him."

Thankfully, DT stepped in and said, "I will continue to ask the question as to why you feel the need to batter yourself as well as how your mental and physical self abuse helps after essentially being forced to contend with a coworker's abuses." Unfortunately, I couldn't HEAR what she was saying until today.

Yesterday morning, I sat in my office with the door closed, overwhelmed with voices, and feelings, and memories, and I wanted to hurt myself so badly. I wanted to give up. I wanted it to STOP! I held off until last night.

I couldn't stop it. I hurt myself. I needed to see the blood. I needed to "FEEL" it. And as the blood pooled onto the floor, I finally felt relief. I feel asleep on the bathroom floor, in a pool of my own blood. When I woke up, I had no idea where I was or what had happened.

But I finally figured it out, and I found my way into my own bed, and I slept dreamlessly for 5 blissful hours. I did it, though. I survived the week. And I never have to live "this" week again. More good, more bad, and over and over again...but I made it through *this* bad week, and it's now behind me. I don't have to live it again.
Huge Sigh


  1. Good lord. Your coworker is a piece of work, isn't he?

  2. Yeah...he's something, all right. And what really sucks is I have this general distrust of men...and we were "FRIENDS" for over a year. He was the first man I have been "friends" with. And now I'm again afraid.