Monday, August 10, 2009

Earlier I was thinking that I’m losing me…but the reality is it’s already happened.


“I am certain that I cannot fully understand the gravity and turmoil that you face when they consume your mind.”
Really, DT, I hadn’t noticed! All that wasted time I’ve spent trying to get you to UNDERSTAND. I have an idea how to make that happen, a plan to finally make it actually *CLICK* in your PhD/MHP brain…so that you’ll finally say, WOW I get it now!

“I/we need to continue to work toward understanding these, even if no resolution is accessible at this time.”
See, here’s the deal…just as you have your limits, I also have limits. I’ve played beat the clock, and hang in there it will get better….guess what? It’s NOT better! And the bad place remains.

“I also want to acknowledge that what you experience and think each night is real for you and that the "choices" that you face are nearly always painful and feel hopeless.”
DT, that’s so sweet of you to say that. I also want to *acknowledge* that you also did your best too – in this “process”. It’s just that I still haven’t found what I’m looking for – PEACE INSIDE MY FUCKED UP HEAD! – and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist. So forgive me if I give up the lifetime search for the holy grail!

“Grace will work it out, DT, I assure you she will work it out.” She will “deal with it”.

“My words "when and if" were heard and processed in such a manner as to feel rejection/abandoment and because this is your expectation, you will go to great lengths to prove this... at least to whatever extent you can with words/thoughts....which ultimately seem to make you feel worse...which I know you don't want. “
You’re RIGHT! I don’t want to FEEL worse! In fact, I no longer want to FEEL at all!!!!

And, DT, I ask for your “understanding” and “openness” to see my point of view and why I don’t want to do it anymore…not room for “judgment” DT … to quote the Great and Powerful, MARSHA-MARSHA-MARSHA…”we all have our reasons for doing what we do”.'

I’ll *work it out* and it won’t be “perfect” DT, just “good enough”.

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